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Final Draft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ade in: Int. Santa California Galleria mall - Night Its the Christmas season, and the mall is decorated with angels, reindeer and twinkling trees. SHOPPERS are everywhere, carrying bags touting the names of popular shops. CHILDREN are filled with wonder, begging to see Santa and his reindeer. Seeing TWO BOYS running, a short, wiry, white-haired Security Guard, HENRY HARRIS, admonishes them. HENRY HARRIS No running, boys. I have a walkie-talkie and Im not afraid to use it. ELLEN WILSON is pushing her infant daughter, SARAH MICHELLE WILSON, in a stroller loaded with packages. Holding onto the stroller is her four-year-old son, TOMMY WILSON. Tommy discards a large, empty lemonade cup in a trash can, then hits the trash can repeatedly with a small, plastic toy hammer. TommY WILSON I wanna go see Santa. EllEN WILSON Soon, Tommy. I have one more place to go on the upper level. CHRISTY HUNTINGTON and JENNIFER WHITMER, two pretty 16-year-old girls in blue and gold cheerleading uniforms walk out of a jewelry store. Theyre carrying matching pom-poms. ChrISTY HUNTINGTON These earrings are so gorgeous. JennIFER WHITMER If we hurry, we can buy those bracelets on the upper level before the game. The girls walk briskly toward the escalator. RUTH BRANNIGAN and PHYLLIS GROSS, two women in their early 60s, are behind them. ruth BRANNIGAN Ellen is on the network in the daytime and then theres a repeat on the Oxygen channel at night. I watch them both. phyllis GROSS Ruth, dear, youve got to get a life. A priest, FATHER IRVING OFLANAGAN, tips his hat to a group of NUNS as he makes his way toward the escalator. Behind him is JAMES VAN EDWARD, a psychic medium with a well-known television program. He sees a kiosk with a promotion for his show with a large picture of him and the words: I talk to dead people. Psychic James Van Edward is On the Other Side. Weekdays at noon on RGB-TV. He turns away from the kiosk and starts muttering to himself. JamES VAN EDWARD I know you didnt want me to come here, Mother, but I have a few more gifts to buy. Everything will be fine. THREE WOMEN clutch their handbags to their chests as a handsome young man in his 20s, WALDEN ROHRER, walks by on his way to the escalator. 000200000D9A000008B6D94,ERMINE SACHET PETTIFORBES GETTY, a wealthy, well-dressed woman in her 50s wearing a long scarf, floats regally out of Bed, Bath, Infinity and Beyond, followed by her chauffeur, PETER SUFFERFLESH, also in his 50s, who carries her purchases. For no reason, she turns around and slaps Peter, who smiles gratefully at her. JACKIE TOYOTA, a very pregnant Japanese-American woman in her late 20s, waddles out of a Baby Cravasse store. As she walks slowly toward the escalator, MAURICE MOLINA, an Hispanic man dressed as Santa Claus and WILLIE ESCARGOT, a little person in an elf costume, emerge from the mens room and walk behind her. Maurice is wiping a wet spot on the front of his pants with paper towels. MauRICE MOLINA I hate it when the little buggers pee on my lap. WillIE ESCARGOT That wasnt in the job description, was it? TEN CENTS, a 30ish black man in a sweatsuit and copious gold jewelry, walks out of an Edges Bookstore. BRADLEY SALISBERRY, a fireman in his 20s, falls in behind Ten Cents as they wind through the crowd toward the escalator. At the bottom of the escalator, DONATELLO ESPERANTO, a rotund Italian tenor, is signing autographs on CDs for TWO OLDER WOMEN. DoNATELLO ESPERANTO (in an Italian accent) My voice, she is so beautiful on my new CD, I almost cried tears. Donatello gets on the escalator behind Ten Cents and is followed by IVANA BELOVED BAYOU, a beautiful, six-foot-tall drag queen with a hint of a five oclock shadow. Ivana touches her chin, grimaces and looks at her watch. Behind Ivana, VICTOR COUSINEAU, a man in his late 50s wearing a cowboy hat, and his long-suffering wife, GENEVIEVE COUSINEAU, get on the escalator. She opens a bottle of aspirin and takes two with a sip of Naive bottled water. As Victor and Genevieve step onto the crowded escalator to the upper level, it suddenly comes to an abrupt stop. Everyone is surprised and shocked. Ellen wilson Oh my! Help! With an impressive, ominous swell of MUSIC, the TITLE fills the screen: ESCALATOR! Henry Harris rushes to the bottom of the escalator and yells up to the victims. Henry harris Is everyone all right? There is a cacophony of voices from the escalator. The shoppers on the down escalator glide down to the lower level, seemingly unaware of the stalled up escalator. PHYLLIS GROSS We arent moving! WALDEN ROHRER Were trapped! Trapped like rats! For a moment, everyone stands still, then Walden Rohrer attempts to move up a step. But the escalator lurches forward, then stops. Everyone grabs for the handrail to steady themselves. PhYLLIS GROSS Dont move or well fall! RuTH BRANNIGAN I saw a show once where the escalator stairs just went flat and everyone slid to their deaths. ellen WILSON Oh, my! Henry grabs his radio. HeNRY HARRIS Code three! Weve got a stalled escalator at the west end of the mall. Drucilla wheat (on radio) Is anyone trapped? HENRY HARRIS Yes, theres eighteen, nineteen, no, twenty-one people trapped! DRUCILLA WHEAT Well try to locate maintenance, Henry. Stand by. Ext. SantA CALIFORNIA GALLERIA MALL parking lot Two RGB-TV news vans collide in the parking lot in front of the mall. Reporters CAMERON JAMES, a handsome, self-important man with minimal intelligence, and SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH, a beautiful woman with a tenuous grasp of English vocabulary, emerge from the vans, microphones in hand, and begin interviewing each other. TWO CAMERA OPERATORS and TWO AUDIO MEN with boom mikes also leap out to cover this breaking news. 0002000008E20000164A8DC,Cameron james (to his camera) Im Cameron James in the parking lot of Santa California Galleria Mall where Samantha Scarboroughs news van has collided with my news van. (to Samantha) How are you feeling? Samantha scarborough (to her camera) Im Samantha Scarborough at the Santa California Galleria Mall, where a news van occupied by RGB-TV reporter Cameron James has collided with the news van in which I was riding. (to Cameron) I was a little jostled, but I retain an assembly of good health. Tell me, Cameron, how do you feel after this near-fatal collision? CAMERON JAMES I have a tiny scrape on my hand, but otherwise Im fine. (to camera) An investigation is sure to follow. This is Cameron James, RGB-TV Newschannel 8. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH (to camera) Though it appears everyone suffered little or no damage, there is always the spectacle of internal injuries. This is Samantha Scarborough, RGB-TV Newschannel 8. Back to you in the studio. The reporters race to the mall entrance, followed by their crew. INT. blank family living room - night Parents ADELE and EDDIE BLANK are gathered around their television set with their two children, DENNIS and JESSICA, engrossed in an intense scene in a movie. ext. dark alley On the television, SAM COLUMBUS, a detective in a trenchcoat, is holding a gun directed at a sleazy man, JOE CRIMINALI. Fog shrouds the scene. Sam columbus Joe Criminali? Its me, Sam Columbus. I know you killed Louie and the Greenblatt sisters. What I dont know is why. Joe suddenly lunges for Sam and a violent struggle ensues. The gun is wrenched from Sams hand and lands several feet away. Joe criminali You want to know why? Ill tell you why! But youll die before you hear it! Joe is within reach of the gun and grabs for it, but Sam dives for it, desperate to defend himself. Int. Blank FAMILY living room The Blank family is completely caught up in the television program, holding on to every word, every movement. Suddenly, a GRAPHIC reading BREAKING NEWS interrupts the program. An urgent NEWS THEME fills the room. The family is aghast. Adele slugs a throw pillow. Dennis pounds on the floor. Eddie throws the remote on the floor and jumps on it. How could there be breaking news at this critical juncture in their movie? 0002000006C900001F266C3,Int. Rgb-tv news studio News Anchor AMY DAIWOO, a perky young Asian woman, is seated at the anchor desk. Behind her, a GRAPHIC reads: Unfolded Disaster. There is a continuous CRAWL at the bottom of the screen: "Sun rises in East. Westerners still in dark," "Supreme Court rules punishment violates criminals' rights; tells victims to 'stop whining,'" etc. SUPER: Amy Daiwoo, Anchor Woman AMY DAIWOO Im Amy Daiwoo with an RGB-TV Newschannel 8 Update. A disaster is unfolding at Santa California Galleria Mall. Our Cameron James is on the scene. Cameron, whats the story? Int. Santa California Galleria mall At the bottom of the escalator, Henry Harris stands by Cameron James, who speaks in an urgent, authoritative voice. CaMERON JAMES Amy, Im here with Henry Harris, the commanding officer in charge at this disaster scene. HenRY HARRIS Im not an officer. Im Security Guard Level One. CAMERON JAMES Sergeant Harris, can you tell us what happened? HENRY HARRIS Well, the escalator stalled. CAMERON JAMES How many people are trapped? HENRY HARRIS I counted twenty-one, including women and two children. CAMERON JAMES (to the camera) Women and children! (to Henry) Tell me, Major Harris, how many days do you think it will take to organize a rescue attempt? HENRY HARRIS Well, I called Drucilla Wheat at Security Central and shes trying to contact maintenance. The RADIO CRACKLES to life. DRUCILLA WHEAT (ON RADIO) Henry, you there? HENRY HARRIS Yes, Drucilla. DRUCILLA WHEAT (ON RADIO) I have bad news. Maintenance has gone home for the day. Well leave a message on his answering machine, but it may take a while. I think its Als bowling night. HENRY HARRIS Ten-four. Henry clips his walkie-talkie back on his belt. 0002000007B1000025E97AB,CAMERON JAMES Youve heard from a higher ranking officer. What can you tell us? HENRY HARRIS Well, maintenance has gone home. Its his bowling night, so it may take a while. CAMERON JAMES How long have the victims been trapped, Admiral? HENRY HARRIS Oh, it was during the opening credits. CAMERON JAMES (to camera) It could be days, even weeks, before the twenty-one innocent victims trapped on this escalator are rescued. This is Cameron James, reporting live for RGB-TV Newschannel 8. Back to you in the studio. Henry gets an intense look on his face and races off. As he runs, he speaks into his radio. HENRY HARRIS Drucilla, Im going to the utility room to devise a plan to help those people. Ill need an assistant and a replacement on the floor. DruCILLA WHEAT (ON RADIO) Ten-four. Ill send Michelangelo to assist you. Good luck. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO Amy Daiwoo has been joined at the anchor desk by STEVE SCOTT, an impossibly handsome anchorman. The GRAPHIC behind them reads: Escalator to Nowhere. The CRAWL continues, "Rare photo of Jesus with crew cut found, say archaeologists," "Dutch numerologist Eddie Van Der Hoeeven loses count; has to start over," etc. SUPER: Steve Scott, Overpaid Anchorman Steve scott We continue our team coverage of the escalator breakdown at Santa California Galleria Mall with Samantha Scarborough on the upper level. Samantha? Int. Santa California Galleria mall Samantha Scarborough is checking her hair and make-up in a mirror. On the top step of the escalator, Ellen Wilson looks worried. Tommy is whacking the stroller with his plastic hammer. Suddenly, Samantha turns dramatically toward the camera. On the "down" escalator in the b.g., interspersed with regular shoppers, are several SURGEONS in scrubs, and a group of HASIDIC JEWS. SamANTHA SCARBOROUGH (to camera) Steve, Im on the upper level of Santa California Galleria Mall where we find a mother and her two preliminary children among the victims. 00020000065800002D94652,(to Ellen Wilson) Tell me, maam, who are you? Ellen WILSON Im Ellen Wilson and this is my son, Tommy, and our baby, Sarah Michelle. We were Buffy fans... SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH How did this occur to you? ELLEN WILSON Well, we got on the escalator and it stopped. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH How will you and your children survive this ordeal? ELLEN WILSON Survive? Is it that bad? SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH I wouldnt be here if this wasnt life threatening. I see all types of horrible things, Mrs. Wilson. Decapitations, bugs crawling on dead bodies -- Ellen covers Tommys ears to shield him. ELLEN WILSON Oh, my! Oh, my! (to camera) Honey, if youre home, come to the mall! We may not survive! SaMANTHA SCARBOROUGH A mother and her children come to grips with the prospector of hideous deaths at Santa California Galleria Mall. This is Samantha Scarborough. Back to you. Int. Santa CALIFORNIA GALLERIA MALL utility room Henry Harris and his assistant, MICHELANGELO JONES, a young, goofy-looking black man in a security guards uniform, are rummaging through the boxes, cleaning supplies and other items in the utility room. Henry pauses and clasps the young man on the shoulders. HeNRY HARRIS Michelangelo, we have to save those unfortunate people. Michelangelo nods in agreement. Henry HARRIS I need to make a mock-up of the escalator stairs. Lets see what we have to work with. Henry continues rummaging, then holds up a ball of string, an ice cube tray and a roll of bathroom tissue. HENRY HARRIS Okay. Well have to be creative. And well have to be quick about it. So, lets put on our thinking caps and get to work. 000200000738000033E6732,int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC Disaster Traffic is behind Steve Scott. The CRAWL continues with "Al Gore limbers up, sells excess lumber," "NPR to air reruns: All Things Reconsidered," etc. SteVE SCOTT Its time to check in with our News 8 Telecopter and Warren Wingfield. Warren? Int. telecopter - night WARREN WINGFIELD, wearing an old aviators jacket and goggles, is at the controls. He speaks over the HELICOPTER NOISE. SUPER: Warren Wingfield, Traffic WARREN WINGFIELD Im over Santa California Galleria Mall and Ill tell you, Steve, it looks like a parking lot down there. Nothing is moving. If an ambulance needed to get to these victims, well, it wouldnt be pretty. StEVE SCOTT (O.C.) Uh, Warren, did you say you were over the parking lot? WARREN WINGFIELD Thats correct. STEVE SCOTT (O.C.) Thats why nothings moving, Warren. Warren looks down at the parking lot, then at the camera. WARREN WINGFIELD Back to you. Int. Santa California Galleria mall Cameron James approaches Victor Cousineau and Genevieve Cousineau on the bottom steps of the escalator. The Cousineaus have French-Texan accents. On the "down" escalator in the b.g., interspersed with regular shoppers, are several CLOWNS, EAST INDIAN WOMEN in saris and HOUSE PAINTERS. CaMERON JAMES (to camera) Steve, Im here with two more victims. (to Victor and Genevieve) And you are? Victor cousineau Trapped on an escalator. CAMERON JAMES Yes, of course. Your names? VICTOR COUSINEAU I am Victor Cousineau and this is my wife, Genevieve. Who in tarnation are you? CAMERON JAMES Why, Im Cameron James, RGB-TV News reporter. Were live with coverage of this disaster. Genevieve Cousineau Disaster? Were in a disaster? CAMERON JAMES If its not a disaster, its not news, is it? I detect an accent. Tell me, are you of the foreign persuasion? ViCTOR COUSINEAU 0002000006A400003B1869E,No. We are French Canadian Americans, refugees from Quebec, but were American citizens now. CAMERON JAMES Refugees from Canada? VICTOR COUSINEAU But of course. We werent separatists, so we escaped Quebec, lived for a while in Texas and moved here six months ago. GeNEVIEVE COUSINEAU Can you get us off this escalator? I have Christmas cookies to bake. CAMERON JAMES I dont help. I just report. VICTOR COUSINEAU Sacred Blue! Youre useless! (a beat) Come on, Pardner, cant you notify someone to help us? CAMERON JAMES No. (to camera) Back to you, Steve. Int. SANTA CALIFORNIA GALLERIA MALL UTILITY ROOM Henry Harris and Michelangelo Jones stand back to survey their creation, a realistic four-step mock-up of the escalator. On each step is a remarkably accurate life-like wax figure of one of the victims, detailed down to the clothing. They smile at one another and shake hands. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO Amy Daiwoo and Steve Scott are at the anchor desk with DR. JACK WISNIEWSKI, a distinguished grey-haired man. The CRAWL continues: "Disney plots to take over failing US government after successful Anaheim 'test run,'" "Anna Nicole Smith trips, falls into 10th dimension; no one notices," etc. Amy DAIWOO Here in the studio, we have as our guest, Dr. Jack Wisniewski, an expert in the psychology of people trapped on escalators. Welcome, Doctor. SUPER: Jack Wisniewski, MD, PRN, RSVP. Escalator Psychology Expert Dr. Jack Wisniewski Thank you, Amy. AMY DAIWOO Doctor, what are these victims feeling? Dr. JACK WISNIEWSKI The initial reaction is usually surprise. Theyre moving along normally, and then theyre not. The next reaction can be annoyance, shock or resigned acceptance. 00020000093A000041B6934,AMY DAIWOO How do annoyed people usually react? DR. JACK WISNIEWSKI Well, they get ticked off. Theyre in a hurry and this fouls up their schedule. Steve SCOTT What about shock? Isnt that dangerous? DR. JACK WISNIEWSKI In a medical sense, yes. Shock can be life-threatening. But in this case, I am referring to more of a surprised variety of shock, what I call shockrise. Shockrise is characterized by utterance of phrases such as, Uh, oh or Oh, feces! Amy DAIWOO And the resigned acceptants? Whats that all about? DR. JACK WISNIEWSKI These people accept whatever comes their way. Theyre patient and dont get overly excited, no matter what happens. AMY DAIWOO Thats sick. DR. JACK WISNIEWSKI Most acceptants tend to be religious, drunks or mommies. AMY DAIWOO Mommies? Thats a shockrise. DR. JACK WISNIEWSKI Mommies deal with emergencies, frustration and disappointments every day. They dont overreact, they nurture. StevE SCOTT That was fascinating. Thank you, Dr. Wisniewski. Int. Santa California Galleria mall At the bottom of the escalator, the SELLYOUAIR ONE SPOKESMAN walks by and pauses, talking into his cell phone. SellYOUAIR ONE SPOKESMAN Can you hear me now? Really? He walks off. Ruth Brannigan and Phyllis Gross are standing on the escalator below Christy Huntington and Jennifer Whitmer, and a step up from Father Irving O'Flanagan. On the "down" escalator in the b.g., interspersed with regular shoppers, are RAILROAD CONDUCTORS, a GRUNGE ROCK BAND and BALLERINAS. PHYLLIS GROSS Oh, Father, were so fortunate youre here. FATHER IRVING OFLANAGAN (with a Jewish accent) Fortunate? You call this fortunate? I should be at the rectory having Spaghetti-Os. RUTH BRANNIGAN Well, Phyllis just meant that its comforting to have a man of the cloth with us at this difficult time. PHYLLIS GROSS Would you say a prayer for our safety, Father? FaTHER IRVING OFLANAGAN Dear God, dont let us die. Amen. Phyllis and Ruth are surprised at the brevity of the prayer. PHYLLIS GROSS and RUTH BRANNIGAN Amen. PHYLLIS GROSS (quietly, to Ruth) That wasnt a very good prayer, now, was it? RUTH BRANNIGAN (quietly, to Phyllis) Maybe hes sexually frustrated. I saw a show about this very thing on Montel. FaTHER IRVING OFLANAGAN I heard that and its not true. (softer) Im sorry, ladies. Im going through a difficult time. PHYLLIS GROSS 0002000007C700004AEA7C1,Are you doubting your faith? FaTHER IRVING OFLANAGAN Certainly not. Well, not really. Kind of. A bit. I dont think so. PHYLLIS GROSS Whats the problem then, Father? FATHER IRVING OFLANAGAN I cant keep it in anymore! I have to tell someone! RUTH BRANNIGAN Tell us! There is a collective gasp and DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC as Father OFlanagan reveals -- FATHER IRVING OFLANAGAN Im a Jew in a priests body! RUTH BRANNIGAN My God! PHYLLIS GROSS And hes right next to us. FaTHER IRVING OFLANAGAN You cant imagine the torment. My name is Irving OFlanagan. My mother was Jewish and my father was Catholic. RUTH BRANNIGAN (to Phyllis) Ive heard about those mixed marriages having the worst effect on the children. I think it was on Oprah. PHYLLIS GROSS Go on, Father. FaTHER IRVING OFLANAGAN They have pork chops at the rectory every Saturday but I just cant bring myself to eat them. (a beat) And I crave Hebrew International hot dogs. There is the AH! of a HEAVENLY CHOIR at the mention of Hebrew International and everyone looks around for the source. FaTHER IRVING OFLANAGAN I have a yarmulke in my vestment pocket --- RUTH BRANNIGAN Well, put it on! PHYLLIS GROSS People will love you anyway. Youre still a man of God. FaTHER IRVING OFLANAGAN (putting on his yarmulke) I want to be a rabbi! Farther down the escalator, Maurice Molina and Willie Escargot hear Father OFlanagans declaration. Maurice MOLINA What was all that? Something about a rabbit? Willie escargot You can see more than I can from down here. Excuse me, Maurice, your fur is in my face. MAURICE MOLINA Sorry. Id take off this coat, but theres some kids up there and I dont want to scar them for life. WILLIE ESCARGOT If Santa doesnt scar them, someone else will. Were all walking wounded. MAURICE MOLINA Youre awfully bitter, Willie. Why is that? WILLIE ESCARGOT Can you say lousy career choice? Im thirty-eight years old and a friggin elf. MAURICE MOLINA Come on, you make children happy. 000200000920000052AB91A,WILLIE ESCARGOT I wanted to be a gynecologist. I figure I look at it every day anyway. I went through college and medical school and finally was an intern. Then one day, I heard a colleague tell a nurse I was crotch high. I thought I was respected, like the other interns, but I wasnt. It destroyed my confidence and I quit. MAURICE MOLINA Thats rough. (a beat) So you became an elf? WILLIE ESCARGOT Eventually. Maurice molina Wasnt there another choice? int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO Steve Scott is joined by JIMMY CLOUD, an American Indian, who stands at the end of the desk near a weather map. There is an anchor on the anchor desk. The CRAWL continues: "Mars probe discovers Starbucks on red planet," "Trix found to be excellent contraceptive, says company spokesrabbit," etc. SUPER: Steve Scott, Anchoredman StEVE SCOTT Now, to see if weather will play a role in this disaster, we have Jimmy Cloud, our meteorologist. Jimmy? SUPER: Jimmy Cloud, Meeteyor, Meatierol, Weather Dude JIMMY CLOUD Thanks, Steve. While temperatures have been in the mid to high 80s in Southern California this holiday season -- He moves in front of the weather map which shows a single, large, ominous cloud hovering off the coast of Southern California. JiMMY CLOUD -- THERE IS A STORM SYSTEM OFF THE COAST WHICH MAY MOVE IN AND CAUSE HEAVY SPRINKLES OF TREACHEROUS MOISTURE. Ambulances attempting to assist the victims may skid on the moist streets, causing delays. We can only watch and wait. StEVE SCOTT Thank you, Jimmy. We now continue our live team coverage of the Mall 21 DeathWatch with Samantha Scarborough. Samantha? Int. Santa California Galleria mall On the "down" escalator in the b.g., interspersed with regular shoppers, are several HIPPIES, TENNIS PLAYERS with rackets and ARTISTS with palettes. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH (to camera) One of the things Ive learned as a reporter is that victims are color blind and age blind. Theyre young, old, rich, poor, black, white and some -- (dramatic pause) -- are even tanned. Im with two beautifully tanned pom-pom girls. You are? Christy Huntington Im Christy Huntington and Im not a pom-pom girl. Im a semi-professional cheerleader at Santana High School. Jennifer Whitmer My name is Jennifer Whitmer and Im head cheerleader at Santana High. Were the most popular girls in school. 000200000B8400005BC5B7E,chrisTY HUNTINGTON And both of our daddies are rich. SaMANTHA SCARBOROUGH I see. How are you coping with this disaster? JennIFER WHITMER Its horrible! Theyre going to start the football game without us if we dont get out of here soon. And the cheer squad wont be able to make a pyramid without us. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH Thats transcendental. Christy HUNTINGTON Theyre counting on us. (to the camera) Daddy! Were trapped at the mall and might not make the game. I wont be popular anymore! SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH (to camera) The worst part of any tragedy like this is the effect it has on semi-professional cheerleaders. And the misery continues. From Santa California Galleria Mall, Im Samantha Scarborough. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Amy Daiwoo and BOB SCORE, the thick-necked sports reporter, reads: Sports Update. The CRAWL continues: "God says world to end at 8 pm. Details at 11," "Suicide bomber changes mind; wants to see who The Bachelor selects," etc. AmY DAIWOO Thank you, Samantha. Now, with a sports update, heres Bob Score. Bob score In synchronized swimming, the boys of West Hollywood High scored an upset victory today over the top-ranked San Francisco Poofs with their effort titled, Water Works of Broadway. (a beat) In curling, Canadas Courtenay Courtmasters swept to victory over the Nanaimo Broommasters today. And in local sports, the kick-off has just taken place for the big Civil War game between the Santana High School Sentinels and the Mahatma Gandhi High Rebels. AMY DAIWOO Tell me, Bob, how will the mall disaster impact local sports? BOB SCORE Well, Amy, the pending gruesome deaths of Santana cheerleaders Christy Huntington and Jennifer Whitmer may affect the big game tonight. These young women are critical to the formation of the pyramid. A computer graphic shows stick figures in a pyramid that collapse into a pile of random, bent lines. BoB SCORE In this computer graphic, youll see that without them, everyone falls down into a pile on the grass, thus ruining the cheer. I spoke earlier with head coach Uvula S. Grant about the ramifications for the team. Insert: Bob Score on a football field with Santana High School Coach UVULA S. GRANT, who is dressed like a Union Army General. uvULA S. GRANT Were just a bit concerned, Bob. Our ath-a-letes really need this win and, without a pyramid, the cards are stacked against us. FOOTBALL PLAYERS wearing Union Army uniforms and football helmets push around door-sized playing cards on the football field behind Uvula and Bob. BOB SCORE What about the long term outlook, Coach? UvULA S. GRANT Well, if the girls croak, well have to select and train two new cheerleaders. We wouldnt be able to do a pyramid for a month or two. That would be devastating. BOB SCORE A bleak outlook for the Santana team. Back to you, Amy. Amy DAIWOO Thanks for that lighthearted look at sports, Bob. Now to Cameron James on the lower level. 00020000099F00006743999,Int. Santa California Galleria mall A memorial to the escalator victims appears, with flowers, teddy bears, photos of the victims and a signs reading, In Memory of the Mall 21 and We Love You, Mall 21. Some mothers are clutching their children and softly crying. On the "down" escalator in the b.g., interspersed with regular shoppers, are a MARIACHI BAND, BOXERS and the THREE STOOGES. James Van Edward looks over the handrail at the memorial, where an old woman, EVILYN CRINKLE, is placing a bouquet of flowers. JamES VAN EDWARD Hey! What is this? Were not dead! Evilyn crinkle (looking up and smiling) Yet. Cameron James walks up to the memorial and then turns dramatically to the camera. CamerON JAMES Hearts are heavy with the emotional toll this catastrophe is taking. WANDA SUE JONES, a middle-aged woman with a head full of curlers wearing horribly mismatched clothes, places a ragged teddy bear on the memorial. CamERON JAMES And who are you supposed to be? WANDA SUE JONES Im Wanda Sue Jones. CaMERON JAMES How is this tragedy affecting you? WANDA SUE JONES I just cant believe this is happening. Theyre all so young. Well, most of them are young or sort of young. A few are middle-aged and theres two old ladies at the top, but there are a couple of young ones and it just tears you up. CAMERON JAMES (to camera) Trapped victims and torn up women. You have to wonder where it will all end. LEONARDO DI CRAPPIO, a handsome young man in a security guards uniform, walks up to the bottom of the escalator carrying an old megaphone. On the side is stencilled, Property of R. Vallee. CamERON JAMES Excuse me. Who are you? LeoNARDO DI CRAPPIO Im Leonardo di Crappio, Security Guard Level Two. Im filling in for Henry. Hes devising a plan to help rescue these wretched souls. Leonardo raises the megaphone just inches from Victor and Genevieve Cousineau. LeoNARDO DI CRAPPIO (through the megaphone) Do not panic. I repeat, do not panic. Everyone in the mall panics, screaming and flailing their arms. Int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Amy Daiwoo reads: The World Responds. The CRAWL continues: "Gardeners declare greenhouse effect good for petunias," "Government funded fifty year study concludes exercise, diet essential to weight loss," etc. Amy DAIWOO All around the world, people are wondering how an escalator could stall in this day and age. Alastair Kookooroo in Sydney, Australia brings us the Austrian response. 000200000AF0000070DCAEA,INT. australian Crocodile wrestling school ALASTAIR KOOKOOROO is wrestling a crocodile. Behind him is a sign on the wall reading: Croc Wrestling 101. Alastair kookooroo (in an Australian accent) Gday, mates. All of us here Down Under hope youll find a way out of that dangerous mall. We know the meaning of danger here in Australia. Its my first day of crocodile wrestling class. He suddenly is pulled down to the floor, out of frame, and there are sounds of him THRASHING about. A foot flies into frame, then a crocodiles tail. Then, Alastair pops back into view with one arm missing. AlaSTAIR KOOKOOROO Guess I should have read the homework assignment. Anyway, good luck to you all. Int. Santa California Galleria mall Willie Escargot pulls himself up and looks over the handrail at the memorial, then turns to Maurice Molina. On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are a MOTORCYCLE GANG holding handlebars, CHEFS in white hats, SWISS MEN with their Alpenhorn, BREAK DANCERS and POSTAL CARRIERS. There are no longer regular shoppers on the escalator. WILLIE ESCARGOT Well, if we end up taking a dirt nap because of this, at least well be remembered. You got a family, Maurice? MauRICE MOLINA I was married once. I didnt want children but my wife did, so she left me and married my brother. They have six kids now. WilliE ESCARGOT Wait a minute. Didnt I see you on Jerry Springer? MAURICE MOLINA No. Americas Funniest Home Videos. WiLLIE ESCARGOT Ouch. That must have hurt. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO WALLY NIELSEN, an old man with long, grey braided hair and a bandana around his forehead joins Steve Scott. The CRAWL continues: "Survivor: LA Freeways to air next season," "Forty-year-old man discovered with no baggage," etc. Steve SCOTT As the world learns of this intense situation, there is a yearning to help the victims, even by those who have no reason to want to help. Im here with famous singer, songwriter and do-gooder, Wally Nielsen. Welcome, Wally. SUPER: Wally Nielsen, Legend WALLy nielsen Hi, Steve. This country loves a disaster. And the only thing we love more than a disaster is the opportunity to help disaster victims by putting on a concert. Tomorrow night at the Hollywood Bowl, we present Escalator Aid. A GRAPHIC appears to Wallys side, with over 50 names scrolling by almost too fast to read, including: Madonna, Metallical, Simian and Garfunkel, M&M, Justin Timberlike, Clay Aching, Reuben Stutters, Fantasia Barrio, Christina Arguelera and Chers fourth annual farewell appearance. Wally NIELSEN A lot of music greats will perform including a bunch of kids Ive never heard of who are doin their fifteen minutes of fame. Its all at the Hollywood Bowl tomorrow night, so plan to be there. Tickets are $19.95 at the door or $322 through TicketMaster. 000200000CC400007BC6CBE,StEVE SCOTT Country music legend Wally Nielsen. Thank you. Im sure everyone will want to be at this charitable event. Now, back to Samantha Scarborough at the mall. Int. Santa California Galleria mall On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are a BOWLING TEAM with bowling balls, SURFERS with their boards and BEACH BABES playing volleyball, AIRLINE PILOTS, FLIGHT ATTENDANTS and COWBOYS and INDIANS. SamaNTHA SCARBOROUGH What are your monicas? Ruth BRANNIGAN Do you mean monikers? Im Ruth Brannigan and this is my dear friend, Phyllis Gross. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH Youre old, decrepit women. How does it feel to know your boring lives will come to a grisly end at a mall? RUTH BRANNIGAN Were not that old. Were in our early sixties. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH Do you have husbands and family waiting for you? RUTH BRANNIGAN Were both widows, but we have children. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH (to camera) Widows with dead husbands and children waiting for them in houses where the lights are on and nobodys coming home. Back to you. Cameron James interviews Ivana Beloved Bayou. Cameron JAMES Im here with Mrs. Blue Bayou. Ivana beloved bayou (slowly, in a husky voice) Ivana Beloved Bayou. CAMERON JAMES You do? Here? Now? IVANA BELOVED BAYOU Thats my name, ditz. CAMERON JAMES Oh, right. Miss Ditz, I understand youre a performer. IVANA BELOVED BAYOU Yes. I perform nightly at 8 and 10 at Goldbergs Chinese Cajun Room on Fourth Street. CAMERON JAMES And how has this horrifying entrapment affected you? IVANA BELOVED BAYOU Well, I have to get to work early or I wont have time to shave before I take the stage. CAMERON JAMES You shave? Are you a bearded lady? IVANA BELOVED BAYOU Im a drag queen, ditz. CAMERON JAMES Well, I dont meet many gay race car drivers. IVANA BELOVED BAYOU Hel-lo! Im a drag queen. CAMERON JAMES Oh, you own a tow truck company. What do you drag behind your tow truck? IVANA BELOVED BAYOU Someone please help this man! Does anyone have a clue to spare? CAMERON JAMES (to camera) A beautiful bearded woman in need of a clue and to be rescued so she can continue to thrill audiences in her funny car. Int. SaNTA CALIFORNIA GALLERIA MALL UTILITY ROOM Henry Harris and Michelangelo Jones are viewed from behind. They turn to each other and shake hands, then look at the escalator mock-up. Around the mock-up is a miniature Rube Goldbergesque maze of ropes and pulleys. HenRY HARRIS I think were ready to try it, son. Lets hope it saves some lives. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO Behind Steve Scott is the GRAPHIC, Worldwide Response. The CRAWL continues: "Mighty Ducks protest down pillows," "El Nio adopted by Greenland, can use some warming," etc. SUPER: Yack, yack, yack. StEVE SCOTT Throughout the world, people are rooting for the doomed Mall 21. For their response to this predicament, we go to RGB-TV correspondent Nigel Pennylane in London. INT. HARE AND HOUND PUB - DAY NIGEL PENNYLANE is in a London pub. A BARTENDER is in the b.g., a DRUNK MAN is at a table and GLUED MAN is standing by a television set mounted at the end of the bar. SUPER: Nigel Pennylane, London Correspondent Nigel pennylanE (with British accent) Thank you, Steve. Im here at the Hare and Hound Pub in Londons West End where weve been glued to the telly. 00020000061B00008884615,We see the Glued Man with his arm stuck to a television set. He struggles to pull his arm free. Glued Man Leggo, ya bugger! NIGEL PENNYLANE Were all in support of our American friends. The Drunk Man is sitting at a table, surrounding by half-empty beer mugs. He looks up at the camera. Drunk man (mumbling) Incoherent. Incoherent. NiGEL PENNYLANE As you can see, were all behind the Mall 21 here in jolly old England. Now to Cahier Plume de Matante in Paris. Ext. Eiffel tower - day CAHIER PLUME DE MATANTE, in a plaid beret, makes a rude gesture at a passing Parisian taxi driver. SUPER: Cahier Plume de Matante, Correspondent de Frenches Cahier plume de matante (in a French accent) This is Cahier Plume de Matante in Paris. The French have been enthralled by the American disaster and have taken up a collection of fine wines and cheeses to donate to the survivors and their families, even though they are Americans. Int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Steve reads: Mall 21 DeathWatch continues. StEVE SCOTT We return now to the disaster with Samantha Scarborough on the upper level of the mall. Int. Santa California Galleria mall Samantha Scarborough looks at herself in a pocket mirror, then watches as her Audio Man directs the boom mike over Father OFlanagan. On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are a BASEBALL TEAM with bats, EXPLORERS in pith helmets, COAL MINERS, FRED ASTAIRE dancing with GINGER ROGERS, and SCIENTISTS in lab coats with test tubes and white rats. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH Youre a religious parsonage, is that right? 0002000007A300008E9979D,FatHER IRVING OFLANAGAN Im Father Irving OFlanagan of Our Lady of the Perpetually Overtaxed in Santana. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH Father, how does someone of the religious predicament endure this hellish confinement? FATHER IRVING OFLANAGAN Like everyone else, I guess. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH Do you think this is part of Gods master plan? FATHER IRVING OFLANAGAN Stalling an escalator? I think He has bigger fish to fry. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH (to camera) One man, under God, invisible, hoping for liberty and fish for everyone trapped here. On the lower level, Henry Harris and Michelangelo Jones have rigged up an elaborate rope and pulley system above the escalator. Michelangelo attaches a huge hook to the back of Henrys belt. Michelangelo walks to a rope and pulls on it and Henrys feet are lifted off the ground. He swings out and over the escalator, back and forth. Walden Rohrer reaches out and catches one of Henrys feet, directing him to the escalator stairs. HenrY HARRIS (to Walden) Get a good grip on me and Ill carry you to the lower level. Walden looks unsure of this, but throws his arms around Henrys neck and wraps his legs around Henrys waist. Walden is much bigger than Henry and Henry is unsteady on his feet. HeNRY HARRIS Now, Michelangelo! Michelangelo strains at the rope, but is unable to budge them. For several moments, Henry and Walden just stand there. WaldEN ROHRER Shouldnt we be moving? HENRY HARRIS That was the plan. But were too heavy. Youll have to let go. Walden unclasps his legs and stands on his step. Henry is pulled up, but he just dangles above Waldens head. Walden reaches up and swings Henry enough that he comes down on the outside of the escalator and is lowered to the ground. Michelangelo takes the hook off Henrys belt as Henry shakes his head, disappointed. HenRY HARRIS Okay. Looks like we go to Plan B. LeONARDO DI CRAPPIO (through the megaphone) Do not panic. I repeat. Do not panic. 0002000006D2000096366CC,Everyone panics. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Amy Daiwoo reads: What Goes Up, Doesnt Always. Across the studio, BILL HILL sits facing guest OLIVER ROCK. The CRAWL continues: "Bart Simpson marries Liza Minnelli," "Queen Elizabeth finally retires; Prince Charles no longer cares, moves to trailer park," etc. SUPER: Amy Daiwoo, Token Woman Anchorman Amy DAIWOO For those of you just joining us, Im Amy Daiwoo at the RGB-TV news desk. Were providing comprehensive team coverage of 21 people trapped and helpless on a stalled escalator at Santa California Galleria Mall. For approximately thirty minutes, their lives have been hanging by a thread, their fates dependent on a maintenance man whos out bowling. (a beat) We now go to our very own Bill Hill. Bill? SUPER: Bill Hill, Token Male Anchorwoman Bill hill Thank you, Amy. Were speaking with escalator terrorist expert Oliver Rock. Tell me, Oliver, what are the odds this escalator breakdown is part of a fiendish plan to ruin Christmas? SUPER: Oliver Rock, Escalator Terror Expert Oliver rock Well, Bill, if its not terrorists, its a conspiracy. Take your pick. These things always happen for a reason. BILL HILL Could it be poor escalator maintenance? OLIVER ROCK Sure. But that would be boring. I say Americas enemies want to scare us away from Christmas shopping. BILL HILL Why? OLIVER ROCK America is the land of plenty. To undermine Christmas shopping is to deprive Americans of their constitutional rights to presents and happiness. BILL HILL Who would do such a thing? OLIVER ROCK It could be almost anyone. Iraqis, Iranis, North Koreans, Canadians. Theyre all jealous of us and capable of terrorizing our innocent citizens with heinous acts like this. 0002000005CD00009D025C7,BILL HILL Canadians? OLIVER ROCK Of course, Canadians. Theyre hanging around our northern borders just waiting to take over. Oh, they look innocent, but theyre treacherous. BILL HILL Canadians? OlIVER ROCK Theyve been waiting a long time to swoop down into the States and take jobs from our illegal Mexicans. BILL HILL Thank you, Oliver Rock. (to camera) Back to you, Steve. The GRAPHIC behind Steve Scott reads: Set Your VCR. StEVE SCOTT Thank you, Bill. Heres a programming note. Well be continuing our live team coverage of this breaking story, preempting regularly scheduled programming. For those of you tuning in to see RGBs hit reality show, Eat Bugs for Money, it will be airing tonight at 2 a.m., so set your VCRs. (a beat) Now back to our field reporter, Cameron James, at the scene of the disaster. Int. Santa California Galleria mall PICKETERS are now in the crowd, holding signs. TWO PICKETERS, one holding a sign reading Down with Escalators! and the others reading, Up with Escalators, are having an angry exchange. Other signs include: Down with pants!, PETA and Its not fur. Im Robin Williams cousin! On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are FIGURE SKATERS, AMELIA EARHARDT, PHAROAHS and EGYPTIANS and 40s MOVIE DIRECTORS in jodhpurs. On the lower level, a well-dressed man, OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV, rushes into the mall, followed by his chauffeur, RON BROWN. Christy Huntington sees her father on the lower level and calls out to him. 000200000C880000A2C9C82,ChRISTY HUNTINGTON Daddy! Were up here! Save us! OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV Babycakes! Are you all right? ChRISTY HUNTINGTON Yes, but the game has probably started by now and they cant make a pyramid without us! OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV Thats ghastly! CHRISTY HUNTINGTON Daddy, if you dont get us out of here, I wont be popular anymore! Oliver turns to Ron with his hand out. Ron hands him a business card reading: Oliver Bishop Huntington IV - Filthy Rich which Oliver hands to Cameron James. OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV (to Christy) Hang on, Princess! (to Cameron) Who do I pay? CamERON JAMES (to camera) We have here -- (reading card) Oliver Bishop Huntington the fourth. OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV You idiot. Im Oliver Bishop Huntington eye-vee. Cant you read? Now, who do I pay to get my daughter released? CaMERON JAMES Sir, this isnt a hostage situation. Your money wont help. OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV Money always helps! Whats the matter with you? Leonardo di crappio Sir, youll have to wait until our maintenance expert arrives to repair the escalator. CamERON JAMES Hes out bowling. OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV How pedestrian! Thats not acceptable. I have money and I want my daughter freed now. Oliver holds out his hand and Ron hands him a checkbook, which Oliver waves in the air. OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV (to camera) Im offering a reward. One hundred thousand dollars to the person who rescues my beautiful daughter. leonardo di crappio Its not a matter of money. OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV Nothing is a problem if you can buy your way out of it. CamERON JAMES A distraught father makes a feeble attempt to buy his daughters freedom. Typical of rich, upset fathers everywhere, Emperor Huntington wants his daughter safely home, no matter how ridiculous the cost. Back to you in the studio. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO WENDY MCDONALD is seated beside Steve Scott. The GRAPHIC reads: Escalator Nutrition Needs. The CRAWL continues: "Social security isn't," "Surgeon General declares mothers were right: your face can stick like that," etc. SUPER: Steve Scott, Still Handsome. StEVE SCOTT Thank you, Cameron. Now, we go to our own Wendy McDonald for information on how to meet your nutritional needs if you become trapped on an escalator. Wendy? Wendy McDonald Thank you, Steve. My, youre just impossibly handsome today. STEVE SCOTT Thank you. Super: Wendy McDonald, Nutritionist Wendy Mcdonald Youre welcome. (to camera) Most shoppers forget to eat before attempting to ride an escalator. This is a mistake, because if you become trapped, your nutritional needs may not be met. I always recommend carrying a pound of prepared hamburger, a spatula and condiment packages with you whenever you embark on a journey between mall levels. SFX: SIZZLING HAMBURGERS are flipped over on an escalator step. WeNDY MCDONALD Mixing in some fresh minced garlic, onion flakes and MSG can add wonderful flavor to your emergency meal. You know, most Americans just arent eating enough red meat. And dont forget to carry some Damp Ones moist wipes so clean-up will be quick and easy. This is Wendy McDonald with todays helpful tip for disaster dining. Bon appetit. 00020000099F0000AF4B999,(to Steve) Back to you. STEVE SCOTT Thank you, Wendy. We now return to our continuing coverage of the Mall 21 DeathWatch. Int. Santa California Galleria mall On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are a group of SCUBA DIVERS, LAUREL AND HARDY, SOUTHERN BELLES, SAILORS and PIRATES, 50s-era GREASERS and GIRLS IN POODLE SKIRTS. CAMERON JAMES Im here with a brave member of our armed forces. Bradley salisberry Im a fireman. CAMERON JAMES I understand your name is Bradley Steak. BRADLEY SALISBERRY No, Salisberry. CAMERON JAMES Excuse me, Salisberry Steak. BRADLEY SALISBERRY No, Bradley Salisberry. CAMERON JAMES Lieutenant, you do everything you can to keep us safe, dont you? BRADLEY SALISBERRY I try. CAMERON JAMES So it must be particularly frustrating for you to save people all day on the battlefield, then find yourself in a situation where you need to be rescued. Bradley whips off his yellow coat and hands it to Donatello Esperanto, then casts a determined glance up the escalator. BRADLEY SALISBERRY (to Donatello) Here, hold this. I think its time I took some action. DRAMATIC MUSIC fills the mall. BraDLEY SALISBERRY Im going up there. I dont know how long it will take, but Ill get to the top of this escalator. And when I get there, Ill get a rope and tie myself to something solid, then carry each of these good people to safety, one by one. Slowly, Bradley begins his arduous climb past the other victims. He slips and the crowd gasps, then he recovers and continues his ascent. He steps over SIZZLING hamburgers cooking on one of the steps. As he nears the top step, the crowd breaks into applause, but it is too soon. Bradleys foot comes down on one of Tommy Wilsons small toys and he does a SLOW MOTION fall back to his place lower on the escalator as the crowd gasps and looks horrified. CamERON JAMES I detect a murmur from the crowd. Crowd Murmur, murmur, murmur. Then the crowd grows silent, waiting anxiously to see if Bradley was injured or killed in the fall. But Bradley jumps to his feet and indicates he is all right. The crowd breaks into wild applause and cheer. CAMERON JAMES That, ladies and gentlemen, was the most stupid heroic thing this reporter has ever seen. Bradley Salisberry Steak, the brave U.S. Marine, placed his life on the line to save the lives of his fellow victims. He didnt succeed, but you have to give him credit for trying, or at least a lower home mortgage rate. Back to you in the studio. 00020000099A0000B8E4994,Int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO Steve Scott is at the anchor desk. SteVE SCOTT And now a brief station break. News promo Steve Scott is sitting in a chair against a black background. SteVE SCOTT News doesnt stop and neither do we. We just go on and on and on and on. Dissolve to: Amy Daiwoo is now in the chair. Amy DAIWOO Well interrupt your favorite program at a critical moment so that youll know where theres a police pursuit. Dissolve to: Samantha Scarborough in the chair. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH Beautiful people will tell you about ugly things happening in your neighborhood. Dissolve to: Cameron James in the chair. CamERON JAMES Well talk to important people who have nothing important to say. Dissolve to: BILL HILL in the chair. BILL HILL We think you should know this stuff. Why? Dissolve to: Amy, Steve, Cameron, Samantha and Bill are now piled into the chair, one atop the other. Amy daiwoo, steve scott, cameron james, samantha scarborough and bill hill Were RGB-TV News. Thats why. ANNOUNCER RGB-TV News. Every morning at 5, 6 and 7. Every evening at 5, 6 and 10. And if somethings happening, we might be on at other times. Maybe. Int. SANTA CALIFORNIA GALLERIA MALL James Van Edward is slapping himself in the forehead and talking to himself as Phyllis Gross and Ruth Brannigan look down at him. On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are GYMNASTS, the DEVIL, the WOLFMAN, FRANKENSTEIN's MONSTER, THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, the MUMMY and COUNT DRACULA. JameS VAN EDWARD Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I know I should have listened to you, but you werent very specific. PhYLLIS GROSS Excuse me down there! Who are you talking to? JAMES VAN EDWARD My dead mother. PHYLLIS GROSS Arent you psychic medium James Van Edward? JAMES VAN EDWARD Shhhh! I dont want anyone to know Im here. RuTH BRANNIGAN We just love your show. Would you channel my dead husband? JAMES VAN EDWARD This isnt a good time. PHYLLIS GROSS Why not? WALDEN ROHRER Hey, famous TV guy, if youre so psychic, why didnt you foresee this escalator stopping? JaMES VAN EDWARD Im not that kind of psychic. I appreciate, communicate and validate parking for dead people. WALDEN ROHRER Bummer. If you were the other kind of psychic, you could have picked some good stock or the Super Bowl winner and made some real green. JAMES VAN EDWARD Tell me about it. WALDEN ROHRER Well, what I mean is youd be rich - - JAMES VAN EDWARD (interrupting) It was a rhetorical question. 000200000F6E0000C278F68,WALDEN ROHRER And I was answering you, man. JAMES VAN EDWARD Never mind. A boom mike edges over the handrail and James Van Edward looks down to see Cameron James looking up at him. CamERON JAMES We have here the man with a popular syndicated show on RGB-TV who talks to crossing guards. JAMES VAN EDWARD I talk to those who have crossed over to the other side. CAMERON JAMES You talk to chickens? JAMES VAN EDWARD Chickens? CAMERON JAMES They cross to the other side, dont they? PhYLLIS GROSS He talks to dead people. CAMERON JAMES How do you do that? Dead people cant move their lips. PHYLLIS GROSS Hes a psychic. CAMERON JAMES Like Tonto or Kevin Eubanks? RUTH BRANNIGAN Not a sidekick. A psychic. CAMERON JAMES Gotcha. Colonel Van Edward, do you see your fellow victims on the other side? JaMES VAN EDWARD No. Theyre not dead. EviLYN CRINKLE Yet. The memorial has grown to engulf the entire area to the side of the stricken escalator. More picket signs appear: Straight pride!, Hi Matt, Katie and Al!, Death to Spammers and Where am I going and why am I in a handbasket? TWO MEN and TWO WOMEN in evening clothes are in front of a karaoke monitor singing the Ode to Joy from Beethovens Ninth Symphony, as the words appear on the television monitor. MEN AND WOMEN (singing) Freude, schner Gtterfunken, Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuer-trunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder, Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brder, Wo dein sanfter Flgel weilt. On the escalator, Bradley Salisberry turns to Willie Escargot and Maurice Molina. BRADLEY SALISBERRY I fell down the stairs and didnt rescue us. Im such a loser. WillIE ESCARGOT Hey, man, you tried. BRADLEY SALISBERRY But I didnt succeed. People think all firemen are heroes. But I havent saved one life, rescued even one kitty cat. MauRICE MOLINA Really? I thought you guys got medals almost every day. BRADLEY SALISBERRY I dont. I go home at night, watch reruns of Happy Days and wish I were Fonzie. MaurICE MOLINA But inside, you feel like Ralph Malph. BRADLEY SALISBERRY Well, maybe Potsie. I have good hair. WillIE ESCARGOT The only TV stars I could identify with were Billy Barty, Herve Villachaize and Michael Dunne. But theyre all dead now, so I have to wait for the seasonal repeat of the Wizard of Oz. MaurICE MOLINA I liked the coroner dude. (sings) Shes really most sincerely dead. WILLIE ESCARGOT He was good, but his beard creeped me out. BraDLEY SALISBERRY Maybe, someday, Ill get the chance to do something heroic and not mess it up. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Steve Scott reads: Worldwide Response. The CRAWL continues: "Cincinnati Elephant has bad memory, forgets a lot," "Employee at Jack-in-the-Box drive-through window understandable; customer faints," etc. SUPER: Hes starting to annoy me. StEVE SCOTT Heres Mazda Kawasaki, our correspondent in Japan with their response to Mall 21 DeathWatch. SUPER: Mazda Kawasaki, Japan Mazda Kawasaki (with a Japanese accent) You dont know how to use technorogy! Just rook at our cars. Theyre much better than yours. And you also make clappy escarators. (a beat) And now to Flee-jeed Spivey in Antarctica. EXT. ANTARCTIC PENGUIN ROOKERY - DAY FRIGID SPIVEY is in a parka, his face barely visible. Behind him, there is a white wasteland. SUPER: Frigid Spivey, Shivering Correspondent Frigid spivey This is Free-jeed Spivey in Antarctica. The hearts of everyone here goes out to those unfortunate mall people. PULL BACK to reveal Spivey is surrounded by penguins. Theres a small table in front of him, with a bowl of fish on it. FrIGID SPIVEY As you can see, this may be one of the few places on earth where there are no malls. But hardship is a way of life in Antarctica. Male penguins hold the precious eggs on their feet for up to two months in 200 mile per hour winds and sub-freezing temperatures while the females feed at sea. 0002000006160000D1E0610,(a beat) Despite their own hardships, these penguins have donated what little they have to assist the victims. Its cold in Antarctica, but our hearts are warm. Back to you. Int. Santa California Galleria mall On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are KNIGHTS in shining armor, INVISIBLE MEN, MIMES pretending to be in boxes, HULA DANCERS and CONSTRUCTION WORKERS. CamERON JAMES We have another famous guy trapped here tonight: Italian tenor Donatello Esperanto. Doctor Esperanto, what brought you to the mall tonight? DONATELLO ESPERANTO A long, black limousine. Very expensive. Theres an Olympic-sized swimming pool in the back seat on the upper level. CAMERON JAMES But why are you here? DonaTELLO ESPERANTO That should be obvious. I was planning to purchase overpriced American trinkets made in Taiwan. CAMERON JAMES And now you may die here. DONATELLO ESPERANTO I will never die. My voice will live forever. My legacy is secure. CAMERON JAMES But if your body is dead --- DONATELLO ESPERANTO My body is merely here to carry my voice around. Of course, it also eats fine Italian cuisine and has sex. (a beat) I will miss those things if I die, but my body is just a vessel. CAMERON JAMES There you have it. The Grand Duke Donatello Esperanto, a great singer unafraid of death because he works on cruise ships. Int. SANTA CALIFORNIA GALLERIA MALL TREVOR WILSON enters the mall and rushes to the bottom of the escalator. He looks up at his wife, Ellen. TREVOR WILSON Ellen! Im here! Im late! I ran out of gas. Do you know how high gas prices are? 000200000A3E0000D7F0A38,ElLEN WILSON Its okay, Trevor. They said were in danger and may not survive. TREVOR WILSON Youll get out of this, honey! ELLEN WILSON Well, in case we dont, Im throwing down the last of the Christmas presents I bought. Trevor positions himself beside the escalator under Ellen and catches the bags she drops down. But then she tosses a bowling ball, barbells, a microwave oven and a kitchen sink. Trevor is buried beneath these items. TREVOR WILSON (from under the rubble) I...I got them! ELLEN WILSON Good. Remember, your mother gets the blue hand towels and your Uncle Don gets the singing fish. TREVOR WILSON (weakly) Hell really love the fish. OSCAR LEWIS, a well-dressed man, walks into the mall and to the bottom of the escalator. Oscar lewis Hey, everybody! Im Oscar Lewis and Ive got great news! All eyes turn to this man in hope. IvANA BELOVED BAYOU Are we being rescued? OSCAR LEWIS No. I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to Gecko! TWO MEN IN WHITE COATS rush in and surround Oscar. Then the men move back and Oscar is laced up in a straitjacket. The men escort Oscar out of the mall as the crowd cheers. On the upper level, Michelangelo Jones straps Henry Harris into a harness attached to rappelling equipment. HeNRY HARRIS I have a feeling this will work. Gingerly, Henry steps over the railing and successfully rappels a few feet, but then hes hanging alongside the escalator, not close enough to do anything. He dangles there for several moments as he surveys his situation. HenRY HARRIS Okay. Plan C. He rappels to the lower level. Henry and Michelangelo walk dejectedly back to the utility room as Leonardo Di Crappio walks to the bottom of the escalator. LeONARDO DI CRAPPIO (through megaphone) Continue to not panic. I repeat, continue to not panic. Everyone panics. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO Behind Steve Scott and a middle-aged man, PAUL UPPITY, is the GRAPHIC: Escalator Safety. The CRAWL continues: "Michael Jackson returns to original face," "OJ concludes tour of US golf courses for killer; next stop: Canada," etc. StEVE SCOTT Our guest is Paul Uppity from the Escalator Safety Foundation. Welcome. SUPER: Paul Uppity, Historical Figure 8 PAUL UPPITY Glad to be here, Steve. STEVE SCOTT What can you tell us about the history of escalators? PAUL UPPITY Jesse Reno invented the escalator in 1897. That same year, Charles Seeberger installed the first one at Coney Island as an amusement ride. Seeberger later joined the Otis Elevator Company to produce the first commercial escalator, which won a first prize at the 1900 Exposition Universelle in Paris. 00020000072F0000E228729,STEVE SCOTT Yeah, yeah, yeah. But how many lives have been lost on these killer conveyances? PAUL UPPITY Well, there was the Kings Cross fire in London in 1897. Originally, the stairs on escalators were made of wood, but now theyre metal, which doesnt burn. INSERT The functioning down escalator with various TEAM MASCOTS, BEDOUINS in desert garb and a SYNCHRONIZED SWIM TEAM traveling to the lower level. PauL UPPITY Escalators have an incredible safety record. There are over 30,000 escalators in the United States with over 90 billion riders a year. That means escalators move the equivalent of the US population every two days. STEVE SCOTT Where do they move to? PAUL UPPITY Well, up or down. STEVE SCOTT Seems rather pointless moving that many people without them going somewhere like New Jersey. Tell me, why did this particular escalator break down? PAUL UPPITY I dont know. STEVE SCOTT (to camera) Escalators. They burn people, move them around pointlessly and break down without warning or reason. We return now to the disaster scene. Int. Santa California Galleria mall New picket signs appear in the crowd: More chlorine in the gene pool, and Unfair to short, ugly, stupid people! On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are a CHURCH CHOIR in robes, CROSSING GUARDS with stop signs, NUNS, PRIESTS, VIKINGS in horned helmets and NURSES. James Van Edward touches his back pocket, then gets a horrified look on his face. JAMES VAN EDWARD My wallets gone! Somebodys picked my pocket! (turning to Walden) It was you! Empty your pockets! Walden ROHRER What makes you think it was me? JAMES VAN EDWARD (gesturing at Father OFlanagan) Hes a Jewish priest. You do the math! WALDEN ROHRER What math? JAMES VAN EDWARD Him minus my wallet equals you took it! WalDEN ROHRER Theres nineteen other people on this escalator. 000200000DE00000E951DDA,JAMES VAN EDWARD But they arent standing next to me. Cameron James sees a hand waving at him beside the top of a green elfs hat. WillIE ESCARGOT Hey, you havent interviewed me, yet. CAMERON JAMES (to camera) Weve just discovered a third child on the escalator. WILLIE ESCARGOT No, Im a little person. CAMERON JAMES All children are little people. WILLIE ESCARGOT But Im thirty-eight years old! The crowd begins to hum Battle Hymn of the Republic softly in the b.g. as an American flag drops down behind Cameron and the lights dim. CAMERON JAMES Children want to grow up quickly but parents want their children to remain forever young. Then those same lovable kids grow into rebellious teenagers and parents cant wait for them to move out. If they graduate, the kids get entry-level jobs and crummy apartments in a bad part of town where they party all the time, until they lose their jobs and are forced to move back in with their parents. The parents wonder how they managed to raise kids without a work ethic who wont take responsibility for their own actions. Eventually, the parents get old and the ungrateful kids stick them in a nursing home and go to court to battle over who gets their folks 401K and the house. (a beat) This, my friends, is America. Ruth Brannigan hears this monologue and is appalled. Ruth BRANNIGAN (to Willie) You should be ashamed of yourself, young man. WillIE ESCARGOT But, I --- CamERON JAMES This is Cameron James, live at the Mall 21 DeathWatch. At the bottom of the escalator, Victor Cousineau is ranting to Ivana Beloved Bayou. ViCTOR COUSINEAU Its the crooked politicians, I tell you. Socialist fascist philanderers, every one of them. Im sure theyre responsible for this breakdown. Probably took money from the maintenance fund to pay for a two-thousand dollar toilet seat for Congress. And the aliens! Oh, dont get me started on the aliens. The government says there arent any, so why is Area 51 such a big secret? IvANA BELOVED BAYOU Its not. Everybody knows about Area 51. Suddenly, Genevieve clutches her chest and sits down on her step. ViCTOR COUSINEAU Whats the matter with you? GeNEVIEVE COUSINEAU I dont feel very good. I have some pain in my chestal area. Cameron James rushes to the bottom of the escalator. CAMERON JAMES It appears we have our first fatality. Baroness Genevieve Cousineau is having a fatal heart attack. GENEVIEVE COUSINEAU I dont know if its my heart. I just dont feel so good. And Im an American now. CAMERON JAMES But everyone in America is from someplace else. PATRIOTIC MUSIC begins to play and people in the crowd place their hands over their hearts and wave flags. CAMERON JAMES (to camera) Were part of a melted pot here in America. Unlike other countries in other worlds, in the U. S. of A., we all are melted together, like chocolate. Regular chocolate and white chocolate... and Reeses Pieces. (a beat as MUSIC ENDS) A pending fatal heart attack? Only time will tell. And this lady. Shell have to tell us. Just this lady and time will tell. Then Ill tell you because thats my job. Int. Blank family home The Blank Family is gathered around the television set watching the drama at the mall unfold. Theyre munching popcorn and chips and wearing Free the Mall 21 t-shirts. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Amy Daiwoo reads: News For the Less Abled. The CRAWL continues: "LA suffers 1.0 earthquake. Old man falls down," "Biologists declare Donald Trump's hair a new life form," etc. SUPER: Amy Daiwoo. Again. AMY DAIWOO 0002000006460000F72B640,Now, Barbara Lindstrom will translate this story into American Sign Language for our blind viewers. SUPER: Barbara Lindstrom, Talking Hands Expert BARBARA LINDSTROM signs the following. There are no subtitles. Barbara Lindstrom (in sign language) Twenty-one really stupid people are stuck on an escalator. Yes, an escalator. Talk about less abled! Back to you, Amy. AMY DAIWOO (mouthing the words) Thank you, Barbara. (in her regular voice) And now, we go to Brother Theophylline, a monk from Chip, South Dakota. BROTHER THEOPHYLLINE, in monks robes, has taken a vow of silence and communicates through facial expressions. He shakes his head, looks very sad, then confused, smiles and then shrugs and gives a so what? look. AMY DAIWOO Thank you, Brother Theophylline. That was eloquent. (a beat) Our Cameron James has another interview with one of the unfortunate victims. Int. Santa California Galleria mall On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are MARILYN MONROE, OLD ENGLISH MINSTRELS, FLAMENCO DANCERS, ASTRONAUTS, ESKIMOS in parkas and an AMISH FAMILY. CAMERON JAMES And who are you? Ten cents Ten Cents. CAMERON JAMES Im not paying you anything. You have to do TV interviews for free. TEN CENTS Its my name, man. CAMERON JAMES Are you one of those gangsta Christmas wrappers? How come you charge so much to wrap presents? TEN CENTS Are you serious? CAMERON JAMES Im always serious. Im Cameron James, RGB-TV news reporter. TEN CENTS No. Im a street guy from the hood. BradLEY SALISBERRY Excuse me, but I heard you on your cell phone talking about negotiations with your employees. 000200000D2D0000FD6BD27,TEN CENTS Okay, Im not a street guy, but I pretend to be one on the weekends. Ive got to have some street cred, man. Got to hang with the brothers. BRADLEY SALISBERRY Thats fine, but you shouldnt lie to the American public. TEN CENTS (to camera) Sorry, public. CAMERON JAMES A gangsta Christmas wrapper with amnesia. Strange but true. Donatello looks Ivana up and down, seemingly confused. DonaTELLO ESPERANTO (to Ivana) For some reason, I do not think you are aware of who I am. You have not complimented me once. IvANA BELOVED BAYOU Oh, I get it. Youre stuck here without your entourage. Nobodys worshipped you in minutes and youre just dying for a compliment. Right? DONATELLO ESPERANTO I am handsome and talented, no? You do not wish to adore me? IVANA BELOVED BAYOU You need to learn to love yourself. DONATELLO ESPERANTO But I have people for that! IVANA BELOVED BAYOU Why should you care what others think? You shouldnt need people around to feed your ego. DONATELLO ESPERANTO No one to adore me? You must be mad! Victor Cousineau continues to rant to Genevieve, still sitting on her step, clutching her chest. VICTOR COUSINEAU We had to come to the mall. Couldnt stay home like normal people. GeNEVIEVE COUSINEAU There was a sale. How could I know what would happen? VicTOR COUSINEAU These things are death traps. What happened to good old-fashioned stairs? Probably some illegal aliens work here and cant read English, so the maintenance doesnt get done right. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO Steve Scott is at the anchor desk. He tosses the anchor onto the floor as a FLOOD OF WATER rushes in. The GRAPHIC behind him reads, Mall 21 DeathWatch Continues. The CRAWL continues: "Crocodile Hunter eaten by alligator," "Europa signs Sea World franchise deal," etc. Steve SCOTT And now a station break. SFX: GLASS SHATTERING News PROMO MONTAGE of news footage 1) a fire, 2) tornado, 3) a car accident, 4) earthquake damage, 5) someone barbecuing. The heads of Amy Daiwoo and Steve Scott float across these images. AnnOUNCER (V.O.) North, East, West and South. News equals things that happen. At RGB-TV, we tell you about the news. Amy daiwoo News can affect your life, like rain or if gas prices go up. SteVE SCOTT News is knowing about things, so we read the news to you. AnnOUNCER Theres a lot of news so we have more than one reporter. Warren Wingfields head floats in. WaRREN WINGFIELD I fly the telecopter. Jimmy Clouds head floats in. JiMMY CLOUD I stand in front of the weather map. Bob Scores head floats in. BoB SCORE I show you pictures of ath-a-letes in action. Though the screen is crowded with heads, the heads of Bill Hill, Samantha Scarborough and Cameron James float in. The heads bump into each other, grimacing and scowling. Bill hill, samantha scarborough and cameron james We are team coverage. AnnOUNCER RGB-TV, News 8. We tell you more than you want to know. Int. Santa California Galleria mall Cameron James send the boom mic up to Ermine Sachet Pettiforbes Getty and Peter Sufferflesh. On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are ABRAHAM LINCOLN and GEORGE WASHINGTON, LAS VEGAS SHOWGIRLS in headdresses, LITTLE GIRLS IN TUTUS and a CIRCUS RINGMASTER. CamERON JAMES (to Ermine) And you are? Peter sufferflesh Young man, youre addressing the richest woman on the planet. Ermine slaps Peter. Ermine sachet pettiforbes getty 000200000AB800010A92AB2,I can speak for myself. (to Cameron) I am Ermine Sachet Pettiforbes Getty. Young man, I resent being detained here. I implore you to get this contraption moving. CAMERON JAMES Im not a maintenance man. Im the star reporter for RGB-TV. ERMINE SACHET PETTIFORBES GETTY Have you reported this fiasco to someone who can make repairs? CAMERON JAMES No. Hes bowling. ERMINE SACHET PETTIFORBES GETTY Then you havent been a very good reporter, have you? You should be fired. I dont suffer malfeasance gladly. PeTER SUFFERFLESH She certainly doesnt. Ermine slaps Peter again. ERMINE SACHET PETTIFORBES GETTY Speak when youre spoken to. PETER SUFFERFLESH Yes, maam. CAMERON JAMES (to Peter) And you are? PETER SUFFERFLESH Peter Sufferflesh. CAMERON JAMES You have an accent, I hear. PETER SUFFERFLESH I was a flagellant monk in Great Britain before I retired and came into Madames service ten years ago. CAMERON JAMES You know, you can take EX-Gas for that flagellence. PETER SUFFERFLESH Im not flatulent, young man. I was a flagellant. I used to whip myself. CAMERON JAMES You should report yourself for abuse. Suddenly, a BABY CRIES. Ellen Wilson picks up her daughter. EllEN WILSON Oh, my! Shes hungry and I need to breast-feed her. There is a loud collective gasp. ChRISTY HUNTINGTON Daddy, shes going to expose herself! At the bottom of the escalator, Bradley Salisberry whips off his yellow coat and hands it to Ten Cents, who passes it up the escalator. BrADLEY SALISBERRY (to Ellen) Use this to cover yourself, maam. The coat finally reaches Ellen and she puts it over herself. The BABY STOPS CRYING, replaced by LOUD GLUG, GLUG SOUNDS. Everyone applauds. CaMERON JAMES Another brave, selfless act by our war hero. A coat he could have used as shelter on the battlefield has been donated to cover a meal site. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO MARY MARCIA STEWART is with Amy Daiwoo. The GRAPHIC behind them reads: Disaster Fashion. The CRAWL continues: "Archaeologists discover bones of Neanderthal attorney clutching coins," "Scientists conclude mental health will be the end of civilization as we know it," etc. AmY DAIWOO Mary Marcia Stewart is here to tell us about disaster fashion. Mary Marcia? SUPER: Mary Marcia Stewart, Disaster Fashion Expert Mary marcia STewart Thank you, Amy. Its difficult to look your best when youre trapped on an escalator. After only a few minutes of panic, your clothes tend to wrinkle from perspiration. I recommend a light fabric, such as cotton, which wicks moisture away from the body and cools you off. Stay away from dark colors as they tend to look somber and may depress you. So, when youre involved in an escalator disaster, wear light-colored cotton to look and feel your best. 0002000007DB000115447D5,AMY DAIWOO Thank you, Mary Marcia. And now, well pause for a word from our network. PROGRAM PROMO: Law and order SUV An SUV pulls to a stop on a dark street. Police cars, their lights flashing, are in the b.g. DETECTIVE JOHN SMITH and DETECTIVE PATRICE THOMAS get out of the car and move out of frame. The camera remains on the vehicle. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) On the next Law and Order: SUV --- DETECTIVE JOHN SMITH (O.C.) My, God. Look at that. Its horrible. DETECTIVE PATRICE THOMAS (O.C.) In all my years on the force, Ive never seen anything like it. DETECTIVE JOHN SMITH (O.C.) How did they get the body to do that? Moments later, they return to the car. DETECTIVE PATRICE THOMAS Now we know just how cruel one human being can be. They get into the SUV and drive off. The SUV pulls into the driveway of a residential home. The detectives get out of the car, their guns drawn, and move out of frame. There are SCREAMS and a GUNSHOT, but the camera remains on the SUV. AnnoUNCER Law and Order: SUV. The crime, the detectives and the vehicle they drive. Watch new reruns every Sunday night at nine on RGB-TV. Int. Santa California Galleria mall YOUNG GIRLS continue to place flowers and other mementos on the massive memorial. Many girls are wearing T-shirts with We Love Brad and Bradley Salisberry Mall Tour. BUDDHIST MONKS are chanting and a PRIEST is conducting communion. On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are UNCLE SAM, KEYSTONE COPS, ENGLISH BEEFEATERS and an EAST INDIAN SNAKE CHARMER. Cameron James interviews one of the girls, LATOYA UNDERWOOD, who is wearing a Brad is Hot T-shirt. CamERON JAMES I see youre wearing a T-shirt. LATOYA UNDERWOOD And youre wearing a cheap suit. Who are you? The fashion police? CAMERON JAMES You appear to be a fan of our soldier, Bradley Salisberry Steak. LATOYA UNDERWOOD Hes a fireman. Hes a real hero, even if he didnt make it to the top of the escalator. Hes a gentleman, too. He passed his coat up to that lady who was going to get naked. 0002000008EC00011D198E6,CAMERON JAMES (to camera) Young girls wearing T-shirts to support an almost-hero. This is America at its best. Back on the escalator, Bradley Salisberry speaks to TEN CENTS. BRADLEY SALISBERRY Excuse me, but are you ashamed that youre a successful black businessman? TeN CENTS Of course not. Well, maybe a little. But I worked hard to get where I am. BRADLEY SALISBERRY On a stalled escalator? (a beat) Well, Mr. Cents, you should be proud of what youve accomplished. You should be a role model for black children, like actor Will Smith. What kind of business are you in? TEN CENTS I manufacture feminine hygiene products. BRADLEY SALISBERRY Well, there you go! You could be the Will Smith of tampons. Farther up the escalator, James Van Edward and Walden Rohrer are still discussing James missing wallet when a boom mike appears over Waldens head. The two men look up to see Samantha Scarborough. SamANTHA SCARBOROUGH Our next victim is --- JamES VAN EDWARD A criminal! A pick-pocket! A thief! SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH Not you. The guy next to you. JAMES VAN EDWARD Thats who Im talking about. Walden glances down, bends over and picks up a wallet from where it has fallen on the step. He hands it to James. WaldEN ROHRER You dropped your wallet. It was on the step. JAMES VAN EDWARD Oh, uh. Thank you. WALDEN ROHRER You owe me an apology. JAMES VAN EDWARD Im very sorry. WALDEN ROHRER Ah, never mind. Its the story of my life. (in a higher voice) Walden, you stole my car. (in his own voice) Its in the driveway. (in a higher voice) Walden, you took my diamond necklace. (in his own voice) Youre wearing it. (a beat) Im just a glutton for destiny. JAMES VAN EDWARD Sorry, but you look guilty of something. WALDEN ROHRER Its been like this since I had that Extreme Makeover. They dont tell you that when they fix your protruding chin, repair your nose, give you porcelain veneers and liposuction that youre going to look so innocent, people will assume youre hiding something. JAMES VAN EDWARD You had an Extreme Makeover? What did you look like before? Walden pulls a photo out of his wallet and hands it to James, who cringes. JAMES VAN EDWARD Wow. You were butt ugly, man. They did an awesome job on you. WALDEN ROHRER Right. Now Im a good looking suspect. 000200000C07000125FFC01,JAMES VAN EDWARD Maybe you look guilty because you dont feel you deserve to look so good. I mean, you didnt pay for any of it, right? WALDEN ROHRER Right. JAMES VAN EDWARD Well, that could be the problem. You look guilty because, inside, you feel guilty. WALDEN ROHRER You know, that makes sense. Its hard getting used to people looking at you because youre handsome rather than because youre hideous. (a beat) Thanks, man. I feel better already. JAMES VAN EDWARD Youre looking more innocent, too. SamANTHA SCARBOROUGH Facing a gory, painful death, a man comes to grips with how handsome he is. Sometimes, beauty is only on top of your skin, on the upperdermis. Now back to Amy Daiwoo. Henry Harris and Michelangelo Jones drag a large wooden ladder to the side of the escalator below James Van Edward. Henry slowly ascends the ladder, but when he reaches the top rung, it breaks. James grabs Henrys hand and holds onto him as the ladder collapses to the floor. The crowd gasps. Walden Rohrer extends his hand to Henry, then Peter Sufferflesh reaches out his hand and Henry takes it. Each victim extends a hand and Henry grasps each in turn, making his way slowly down the escalator. The crowd applauds as he reaches the ground. HeNRY HARRIS Okay. Plan D. LeoNARDO DI CRAPPIO (through megaphone) Do not panic. Continue to not panic. Everyone panics. Int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO Amy Daiwoo is at the anchor desk. The GRAPHIC behind Amy reads: Sports Disaster. AmY DAIWOO We have breaking news from the Santana High School Coliseum where the Civil War game is being played tonight. With the latest is Bob Score. Ext. santana high school coliseum The Santana Sentinels football team are wearing football helmets, but are dressed in Union Army uniforms. Their opponents, the Mahatma Gandhi Rebels, wear Confederate uniforms. The teams make a play as a CANNON on the sidelines goes off. BoB SCORE (O.C.) In a night of tragedies, heres a few more. Im at Santana High School Coliseum where the Santana Sentinels were ahead fourteen to zippo when the cheerleading squad attempted a pyramid with the expected results. CHEERLEADERS are lying in a mangled heap on the sidelines. An ambulance roars across the football field, lights flashing and SIRENS WAILING, hitting several FOOTBALL PLAYERS who soar through the air. BoB SCORE (o.c.) Without Christy Huntington and Jennifer Whitmer, the pyramid collapsed into this unsightly pile of pom-poms and human debris. The ambulance stops and AMBULANCE ATTENDANTS hop out, rushing to aid the cheerleaders. BOB SCORE (to camera) Im here with head coach Uvula S. Grant. (to Uvula) Coach, how will this affect the game? Uvula s. Grant Oh, the game continues on. Even though this cheerleader thing is distracting, we have to keep playing. Theres a clock involved here, Bob. Bob Score and Uvula S. Grant suddenly freeze, with smiles on their faces, as MATTHEW BRADY takes their picture with an 1860s vintage camera. BOB SCORE Were joined now by assistant coach, Kennedy Lincoln. Kennedy lincoln Four scores and seven downs ago --- 0002000006330001320062D,Uvula S. Grant shoves Kennedy Lincoln out of the way. In the b.g., the Ambulance Attendants extract cheerleaders from the pile. Each cheerleader retains a mangled pose. UvuLA S. GRANT Well have to do without cheers for the balance of the game and thats going to be unpleasant. BoB SCORE We dont know how many injuries or deaths there are yet, but the game continues, so theres still time. Well have more as this mess of human flesh and pom-poms is untangled. Live from Santana High School Coliseum, Im Bob Score, RGB-TV News. Int. Santa California Galleria mall GORDON BAEZ MITCHELL steps to the front of the crowd, playing a guitar and singing. On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are QUEEN VICTORIA, SIGMUND FREUD, 1920s FLAPPERS and GANGSTERS, STAND-UP COMEDIANS speaking into microphones, BELLY DANCERS and BULLFIGHTERS waving their capes. Gordon baez mitchell (singing) Back in the beginning of the Millennium, Went to the mall to get a pack of gum, Got on the escalator and it stalled, Thought it was the end and the angels called. The crowd sways back and forth in time to the music. GorDON BAEZ MITCHELL Escalator, a one-way trip to hell, Escalator, Man, you never can tell. (a beat) Trapped on a stairway that wouldnt go With a lot of losers I didnt know Goin nowhere and getting there fast, Hoped each breath wouldnt be my last. (a beat) Escalator, Going up or goin down. Escalator, the worst ride in town. (a beat) Twenty people had the ride of their life, A Jewish priest, Santa and a pregnant ex-wife, A drag queen, a psychic and two old dames, 00020000098D0001382D987,A lot of other people, cant recall their names. (a beat) Escalator, youve got nowhere to go. Escalator. Where it stops, youll never know. The crowd applauds. CamERON JAMES That was nearly adequate, young man. Who are you and why? GORDON BAEZ MITCHELL Im Gordon Baez Mitchell and I wrote this song because I didnt make the cut on American Idle and I wanted Simon to see what he missed. I also wanted to perform for the fans who are going buy my CDs. CAMERON JAMES Whats the title of your CD? GORDON BAEZ MITCHELL Well, I dont have one yet. CAMERON JAMES A heartfelt tribute to the Mall 21 by a young, unsuccessful folk singer with no CDs. (a beat) Now back to the studio and Ernie Schultzenegger, our fitness expert. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO ERNIE SCHULTZENEGGER, an imposing muscle man, is seated at the anchor desk beside Steve Scott. Behind them is the GRAPHIC: Disaster Fitness. The CRAWL continues, "Illegal U.S. aliens flooding into Canada," "Scientists rename Uranus 'Wally'; tired of kids laughing and making jokes," etc. SUPER: Ernie Schultzenegger, Fitness Expert Ernie SCHULTZENEGGER (in an Austrian accent) Thank you, Cameron James. I owe you. (a beat) Keeping fit is something we should all do in case we have to save people trapped on escalators, in burning buildings or from under heavy household appliances. And if you are fit, people may put you in movies or elect you to a public office. (a beat) But you have to start somewhere, so lets start with clenching our buttocks to build a firm hiney. Okay, clench. Unclench. See how easy? Do it again. Clench. Unclench. Looking good. Watch out behind you! (laughs) Just a little joke. This is Ernie Shultzenegger, looking good and feeling fit. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Amy Daiwoo reads: Theyre all out to get me. At the end of the desk is BARRY DINGLE, a disheveled mess. The CRAWL continues: "Mars not really red, say scientists; more orangey," "Middle East halts fighting; says it's tired," etc. Amy daiwoo And now our own Barry Dingle will provide a translation of this breaking story in Polaroid Schizophrenic. Barry dingle (rapidly) That man is looking at me. Wheres my money? The telephone company is sending signals into my head. Yellow and green make twenty-five. They tell me its medicine, but I know theyre trying to poison me. AMY DAIWOO Thank you, Barry. BARRY DINGLE Youre welcome, Amy. Int. Santa California Galleria mall 000200000857000141B4851,Tommy Wilson slams his plastic hammer against the legs of Christy Huntington and Jennifer Whitmer. On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are GOLFERS in plaid pants, NAZIS saluting each other, MEDIEVAL PEASANTS, JAPANESE GEISHAS and KKK MEMBERS in white robes. ChriSTY HUNTINGTON Ouch! You little menace, youre going to make marks on my legs! JennIFER WHITMER Stop hitting me! Youre a munchkin from hell! WILLIE ESCARGOT Watch your language up there! Cameron James thrusts a microphone at Maurice Molina. CamERON JAMES Santa, what will happen if you dont survive this ordeal? Who will deliver my Christmas presents? MaurICE MOLINA Im not really --- WillIE ESCARGOT (in a loud whisper) Remember the children! MAURICE MOLINA --- sure who will deliver them. Maybe Fed-Ex. CAMERON JAMES Cant the reindeer fly in here and rescue you? MAURICE MOLINA (confused) They arent allowed indoors? CAMERON JAMES Wait a minute. Arent you from the Italian incontinent? MAURICE MOLINA No. Im Hispanic. CAMERON JAMES Oh, okay. (to camera) A tanned Santa Claus from Hispania prepares to end his career on the escalator of death. A VENDOR is walking through the crowd selling his wares. Vendor Get your popcorn, peanuts, Pepsi and programs right here! You cant know whos a victim without your program! CAMERON JAMES There seems to be a hubbub from the crowd. CroWD Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub. CAMERON JAMES Yes, we have three famous religion persons entering the mall. Evangelist BILLY CRACKER, THE POPE and JESSE JEFFERSON gather around Cameron. Rev. Billy cracker God said, What goeth up, cometh down --- eventually, Revelations 24:7 and I think Hes probably right about that. Jesse jefferson I am reminded of Jacobs Ladder, ascending to heaven, only this one isnt moving. The pope I bring blessings from Roma and the world that you are soon rescued, except for that turncoat Father OFlanagan. Rot in hell, traitor! int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Steve Scott reads: Has-Beens Get Involved. The CRAWL continues with "Antarctic study concludes eating fish good for penguins," "Buddhists admit Buddha was overweight," etc. 0002000008FA00014A058F4,SteVE SCOTT Response to the Mall 21 DeathWatch has been swift and gratifying. Weve just received a check for $42.57 from the Cancelled Talk Show Hosts Benefit Fund. On behalf of the Mall 21, we thank Sharon Osbourne, Arsenio Hall, Wayne Brady, Joan Rivers, Chevy Chase and others whose talk shows were cancelled. Their shows are gone, but theyre still here. Now back to Cameron. Int. Santa California Galleria mall Cameron James sends the boom mic up to Jackie Toyota. On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are NAPOLEON, ELVIS in a dirty white jumpsuit, trying not to be noticed, a LION TAMER with a chair and whip, and DUTCH GIRLS in wooden shoes. CamERON JAMES Well now be talking to a thin woman of Hindu descent who is suspiciously fat. JackiE TOYOTA Im Japanese-American and Im not fat. Im going to have a baby. CAMERON JAMES Right now? JACKIE TOYOTA Not this minute. Im due next week. CAMERON JAMES And where is the father? JACKIE TOYOTA Hes, well, lets just say hes otherwise occupied. CAMERON JAMES Hes occupied. (a beat, then to camera) A fat, thin woman whose husband is in an occupied restroom. Yet another victim and a half at the Mall 21 DeathWatch. James Van Edward looks up at Ruth Brannigan. James VAN EDWARD Im sorry I was abrupt with you earlier. Ruth BRANNIGAN I shouldnt have intruded. I guess you dont have much privacy, do you? Dead people wanting to get through day and night--- JAMES VAN EDWARD Well, I think I have your husband coming through. Whos John? RUTH BRANNIGAN Thats him. Thats my dead husband. JAMES VAN EDWARD I dont know quite how to put this, but hes showing me a potato on a living room sofa. He wants you to stop watching so much TV. RUTH BRANNIGAN Except for your show. JAMES VAN EDWARD Of course. RUTH BRANNIGAN Hes just upset because I finally have control of the remote. JAMES VAN EDWARD And who is Frank? PhYLLIS GROSS Thats my dead husband. JAMES VAN EDWARD He wonders what you did with the moose head in the den. He wants it put back. PHYLLIS GROSS He doesnt have to look at it all day, so tell him its history. JAMES VAN EDWARD (to Father O'Flanagan) This might be for you. Its a father figure and hes making me feel like youre changing hats. He says to go with the small hat. But you might want to change your name. 0002000007D3000152F97CD,FatHER IRVING OFLANAGAN I guess Rabbi OFlanagan doesnt work for him. JAMES VAN EDWARD Im getting a mother figure. Ellie, Elaine--- MauRICE MOLINA Elise. My mom. JAMES VAN EDWARD Shes making me feel like shes proud of you. (a beat) Theyre coming in fast! Victor, your mother says to shut your trap. Ivana, your grandmother says, go to Italy and lose the blue eye shadow. Genevieve, Uncle Guillaume says grow a spine. Willie, your father says, take the job. WilLIE ESCARGOT What job? IvANA BELOVED BAYOU Italy? JAMES VAN EDWARD Theyre pulling back their energy. Thank you. Everyone applauds. WILLIE ESCARGOT What job? Ten CENTS I was planning to offer you a job in my feminine hygiene products factory. Its amazing how he knew that. WILLIE ESCARGOT Im not a factory worker. TEN CENTS You were a doctor at one time, right? Well, I need a medical consultant for my products. Nice office, good pay --- WILLIE ESCARGOT Thanks. I accept. Say, do you have something for my good friend, Maurice? TEN CENTS Sure. Well find Santa a good gig. MaurICE MOLINA That would be wonderful. Youre a nice guy, Willie. WillIE ESCARGOT Maybe we should do coffee some time. MAURICE MOLINA I think I see the beginning of a beautiful friendship. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Amy Daiwoo reads, The World Talks Back. The CRAWL continues: "Scientists say ducks walk funny due to large flat feet," "HMOs to put patient needs before profits," "Hell experiences unseasonably cool weather," etc. SUPER: I wonder what else is on television? Amy DAIWOO For more response from the concerned people of the world, we go to Dr. Albert Chandra, one of the brave astronauts on the Space Station orbiting high above the earth. Int. Space station - night DR. ALBERT CHANDRA is in a confined area on the space station, next to a window looking out into space. Dr. albert chandra The astronauts and cosmonauts here on the space station wish you a rapid rescue. As we travel above this glorious world --- 000200000BFD00015AC6BF7,He glances out the window to see a large asteroid is hurtling toward the space station. He turns back to the camera with a look of terror on his face. Dr. aLBERT CHANDRA Oh, oh. The screen goes dark. Int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO Amy Daiwoo is joined by the distinguished DR. ROGER SOANDSO. The GRAPHIC reads: No Place is Safe. AmY DAIWOO We seem to have a problem with our feed from Dr. Chandra. Well try again later. (a beat) Here in the studio, we have a safety expert, Dr. Roger Soandso, to tell us about safe places to shop. (to Dr. Soandso) Doctor, is anyplace really safe? SUPER: Dr. Roger Soandso, Safety Expert Dr. roger soandso Well, strip malls dont have escalators. AMY DAIWOO Thank you, Doctor. We now return to the disaster at the mall. Int. Santa California Galleria mall On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are a BASKETBALL TEAM tormenting JOCKEYS, CIRQUE DU SOLEIL CONTORTIONISTS and SCANDINAVIANS in traditional costume. PETER SUFFERFLESH Madam, you havent struck me in minutes. Are you unwell? ErmINE SACHET PETTIFORBES GETTY Ive just discovered Im a bit claustrophobic. (she gasps) The walls are closing in! PETER SUFFERFLESH There are no walls, madam. Just take deep breaths and the feeling will pass. Im confident well be rescued soon. ERMINE SACHET PETTIFORBES GETTY You are? PETER SUFFERFLESH Of course. Besides, whats the worst that can happen? Ill be trapped forever next to an intelligent, beautiful, cultured woman. (a beat) Sure, Id be forced to speak at intervals with that cretin reporter, but --- ERMINE SACHET PETTIFORBES GETTY You really care about me, dont you, Peter? PETER SUFFERFLESH Yes. I do. ERMINE SACHET PETTIFORBES GETTY Would it be wrong? A wealthy widow and her lower-class, impoverished chauffeur? Together? PETER SUFFERFLESH No, madam. So long as you thrash me on occasion. Ermine slugs Peter hard, almost knocking him over. He smiles gratefully. At the top of the escalator, Ellen Wilson notices her son, Tommy, fidgeting. Tommy wilson Mommy, I gotta pee! EllEN WILSON Honey, you can hold it a little longer. TOMMY WILSON I gotta pee now! Ellen Wilson puts a plastic diaper under Tommys feet. ELLEN WILSON Here, stand on this so it doesnt drip down the escalator. ChrISTY HUNTINGTON Ewwwww! SamANTHA SCARBOROUGH (to camera) Amy, it appears Tommy Wilson has wet his pants. His mother has been calming the distended child. (to Ellen) Mrs. Wilson, what caused this? EllEN WILSON Tommy had a glass of lemonade at that corn dog place where they have those big vats with lemons floating in them. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH I see. ELLEN WILSON Well, when youre a little guy, like my Tommy, one big glass of lemonade is about all he can hold. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH So he evaluated his bladder in his pants. ELLEN WILSON He wouldnt normally do that, but theres no restroom here. I put one of Sarahs diapers on the floor for him to stand on so it doesnt leak down the escalator. ChRISTY HUNTINGTON Ewwww! SaMANTHA SCARBOROUGH (to Jennifer) Whats your reaction to this dampness, Miss Whitmer? jennIFER WHITMER 00020000093F000166BD939,Its disgusting! I can smell the pee! ChriSTY HUNTINGTON Dad-dy! Theres pee up here! Oliver Bishop Huntington IV has been talking on his cell phone. He slams the phone shut when he hears his daughter and turns to Cameron James. OLIVER bishop huntington iv Pee? Good heavens! What else does my poor, sweet girl have to endure? (to camera) I repeat my offer. One hundred thousand dollars to get my daughter away from pee. Pee, I tell you! Someone has to be able to help her! Henry Harris and Michelangelo Jones are at the bottom of the escalator, looking up at the victims. Henry sits down, opens a box and, with Michelangelos assistance, straps on a pair of huge, unwieldy metal boots. The boots are magnetic and with a resounding CLUNK, Michelangelos watch becomes welded to one boot. With great difficulty, he pulls his arm free, but the watch remains firmly attached. Henry stands up and walks laboriously toward the escalator. As he approaches, everyones arms rise, their jewelry attracted to the powerful magnet. One mans knee also rises. Leonardo di Crappio salutes Henry, who has reached the escalator, then marches away. OMINOUS MUSIC fills the mall as the rescue attempt begins. HeNRY HARRIS This has got to work. With great difficulty, Henry lifts his right foot and holds it up next to the outside of the escalator. The magnetic boot instantly adheres to the metal. Carefully, Henry lifts his left foot and attaches it to the escalator. Hes now standing upright in the boots, but horizontal to the floor. LEONARDO DI CRAPPIO Go rescue them, sir! MiCHELANGELO JONES You can do it, Mr. Harris! But, try as he may, Henry isnt moving. The magnets are so strong, he is unable to budge an inch. HeNRY HARRIS Okay. On to Plan E. LeoNARDO DI CRAPPIO (into megaphone) Continue to not panic. I repeat, continue to not panic. Everyone panics. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The CRAWL continues: "Donald Trump buys Iraq; plans to open DesertLand theme park," "Steven Wright cured, career in shambles," etc. SteVE SCOTT Well return with continuing coverage of this disaster. AMY DAIWOO What? STEVE SCOTT Someone has to pay our exorbitant salaries. AMY DAIWOO Oh, right. Well be back after a few words from our sponsor. SPONSOR PROMO The SPONSOR is in front of a black backdrop. Sponsor Kumquat. Existentialism. Weasel. Celebrities and justice program promo 00020000060200016FF65FC,A parade of CELEBRITIES, surrounded by POLICE OFFICERS and PAPARAZZI, leave a courthouse and walk by the camera, shielding their faces. Suddenly, the celebrities pull out cameras and start snapping photos of the Paparazzi, who cover their faces and hurry into waiting limousines. Announcer (V.O.) The next Celebrities and Justice brings you face-to-covered face with famous people who make a lot of money and then screw up their lives doing stupid stuff even your bozo brother wouldnt do. (a beat) See celebrities busted with twenty-dollar hookers, arrested for drug use, shoplifting and even for perjury. See them hiding their faces, ducking into limos and pretending to be innocent. All on the next Celebrities and Justice --- where you can gloat that youre better than they are. Int. Santa California Galleria mall Genevieve Cousineau struggles and stands up. Cameron James rushes up. On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS and SHERPAS, COPS CHASING ROBBERS and a CYCLING TEAM. CamERON JAMES And how are you feeling? GeNEVIEVE COUSINEAU A little better, I think. VICTOR COUSINEAU Thank Dieu. I dont want to think about the medical bills we could have racked up. Damned HMOs have us by the family jewels. CaMERON JAMES The stoicism of this brave Bohemian queen is something to behold. Despite life-threatening heart pain, shes on her feet in a valiant effort to save her husbands hard-earned money. GENEVIEVE COUSINEAU I think I need to sit down again. CAMERON JAMES But bravery can only take us so far. 00020000089C000175F2896,Int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO ROBERTA WADDLE joins Amy Daiwoo at the anchor desk. The GRAPHIC behind them reads: Disaster Make-Up. The CRAWL continues: "Life discovered on 1,243,642,112 planets," "White, educated, English-speaking employees hired at convenience store; public stunned, confused," etc. AmY DAIWOO No matter what terrible situation youre in, your face shouldnt show it. Here with disaster make-up tips is Roberta Waddle. SUPER: Roberta Waddle, Author Wake Up Your Make-up. Roberta waddle Amy, without make-up, wed look as bad as we do in the morning all day long. GRAPHIC: a WOMAN with a dripping wet face. RoBERTA WADDLE Escalator air can by drying, so start with a good moisturizer. I recommend Elizabeth Revlons Soggy Face. Next you need a good foundation. GRAPHIC: a building under construction. ROBERTA WADDLE Ive found Le Brick by LOreo to be quite good. GRAPHIC: a womans face with hideous bright green eye shadow. Shes also wearing large, tacky Christmas tree earrings. ROBERTA WADDLE Eye shadow should be fun and geared to the season, so I suggest green for Christmas. And, top it all off with waterproof mascara --- GRAPHIC: a weeping woman with black streaks covering her cheeks. ROBERTA WADDLE --- by Covered Girl to avoid those unsightly black streaks under your eyes that crying can cause. (a beat) Thats all Im going to tell you for free. For more great tips, buy my book, Wake Up Your Make-Up for $24.95 at all your better book stores, and some lousy ones, too. AmY DAIWOO Thank you, Roberta. Just a reminder, tomorrow on Good Morning America Today, any survivors of this disaster will be the guests. Theyll also appear on Jay and Letterman with the Survivor and American Idle rejects. So dont miss these exciting losers youve come to love. (a beat) Now back to the mall. Int. Santa California Galleria mall Samantha Scarborough is with MARTIN LEMASTER, who is about to board the down escalator. RACE CAR DRIVERS, GENGHIS KHAN and assorted BARBARIANS and CAN-CAN DANCERS are getting on the escalator. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH (to camera) People are getting on the down escalator, seemingly unaware of the danger. (to Martin) Sir, what is your name? 00020000090200017E888FC,MarTIN LEMASTER Martin LeMaster. Im a personal trainer at Bullys Quasi-Total Fitness. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH Were you aware twenty-one people were entrapped on the up escalator? Martin lemaster Uh, no. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH How do you feel about getting on the down escalator now that you know this? MarTIN LEMASTER Well, I still need to go down. Anyway, Im kind of a what happens, happens sort of guy. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH A daredevil? MARTIN LEMASTER Not at all. I just dont worry about things I cant control. If it stops, it stops. If it doesnt, I continue on my way. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH (to camera) There you have it. One mans total lack of concern for his own safetiocitude. Martin steps onto the "down" escalator and immediately trips. In SLOW MOTION, he falls down the escalator. Other people on the escalator move to the side to let him fall past them. Finally, he reaches the bottom of the escalator and sprawls onto the floor. People getting off the escalator walk around him. MARTIN LEMASTER I should have taken the elevator. Ambulance Attendants rush in and put the mangled Martin on a stretcher. They rush him outside. As Martin is carried out, the gathered crowd is soft singing. Crowd (singing) Kumbaya, my Lord. Kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord. Kumbaya. SamANTHA SCARBOROUGH And the number of victims escalates here at Santa California Galleria Mall. Our hearts go out to the latest victim, Martin LeMaster. Back to you, Steve. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Steve Scott reads: Victim Count Rising Up. The CRAWL continues: "Jim Carrey secures rubber face patent," "Politicians to halt foreign aid; will spend taxpayer money to end homelessness, hunger. Yeah. Right," etc. SteVE SCOTT Heres an update for those of you just joining us. The number of victims has risen to twenty-two with the fall of Martin LeMaster down the down escalator. For those of you who missed this dramatic, death-defying fall, here it is on our RGB-TV Look Again Replay. replay: MARTIN LEMASTERs fall down the escalator. The tape is REWOUND and Martin falls up the escalator, then down again. SteVE SCOTT Its certainly worth watching again and again and maybe once more. (grabbing his earpiece) But theres breaking news at the Santa California Galleria Mall. Cameron, whats happening? 00020000091900018784913,Int. Santa California Galleria mall Cameron James is at the bottom of the escalator, pointing up at Jackie Toyota. CamERON JAMES Steve, its bedlam here. The anorexic fat woman has informed us she has a leak. Jackie Toyota is leaning against the handrail, her legs crossed. JackIE TOYOTA My water broke! RuTH BRANNIGAN What was that? PhYLLIS GROSS I think she got her water bill. It must be higher than usual. MaurICE MOLINA Hey, someone could slip on that and then where would we be? WillIE ESCARGOT At the bottom of the escalator, dead, pushing up daisies, singing with the heavenly choir --- Jackie Toyota Oh, my! Not here! WiLLIE ESCARGOT --- kicking the bucket, appearing on James Van Edwards show --- MAURICE MOLINA (to Willie) We get the idea. WillIE ESCARGOT (to Jackie) Youre not going to give birth now, are you? JACKIE TOYOTA I dont think I have a choice unless we get rescued in the next five minutes. MaURICE MOLINA Cross your legs. Breathe! Visualize Albuquerque! (to Willie) Is it bloody? I have a weak stomach. WilLIE ESCARGOT Its a little messy. Shes going to be squirting out a six or seven pound human being. MAURICE MOLINA Oh, no. A tall, gaunt undertaker, FELLINI SCARBUNKLE, enters the mall and walks directly to Genevieve Cousineau, still sitting on her step. Fellini scarbunkle Excuse me, madam. Could you stand up for just a moment? Genevieve struggles to her feet. Fellini takes out a tape measure and begins measuring her from head to foot. GeNEVIEVE COUSINEAU Excuse me. What in the world are you doing? Fellini takes out a tablet and writes down a number. FELLINI SCARBUNKLE Fellini Scarbunkle, owner and operator of Scarbunkle Funeral Home. Im measuring you for your coffin. Wouldnt want it to be too short, would we? GENEVIEVE COUSINEAU My coffin? FELLINI SCARBUNKLE Of course. You should see some of the new ones. We have the latest models, including the new CofFUN. Get it? Its fun. Theres a DVD player, wet bar, mirror ball and so much more. GENEVIEVE COUSINEAU Youve got to be kidding. FELLINI SCARBUNKLE Do I look like I kid? (a beat) You know, its not often I get to meet one of you while youre still breathing. Remember, pre-planning for your final needs takes the burden off your survivors. (chuckling) Its so hard for them to think straight when theyre grieving. 0002000007600001909775A,GENEVIEVE COUSINEAU Grieving? Final needs? My Dieu! Ruth Brannigan is turning red and sweating. RuTH BRANNIGAN Uh, oh. PhyLLIS GROSS Whats wrong, Ruth? RUTH BRANNIGAN Im having a hot flash. PHYLLIS GROSS Hold on. I have some Damp Ones in my purse. She ruffles through her purse and hands Ruth some towelettes. Ruth wipes her face and water pours down as if she had a garden hose on her forehead. RuTH BRANNIGAN Thanks, I just hate hot flashes. PHYLLIS GROSS You know, Ive been using EstroVent since doctors say we shouldnt take estrogen any more. RUTH BRANNIGAN EstroVent? PHYLLIS GROSS Yes. Its like having a tiny fan or vent on your forehead. Cools you right down. Amazing stuff. RUTH BRANNIGAN Well, Ill have to ask my doctor or pharmacist to see if EstroVent will be right for me. By the way, Phyllis, do you ever feel --- not so fresh? Phyllis slaps her. Ruth BRANNIGAN Thanks, I needed that. PhYLLIS GROSS The television has to go, Ruth. Father O'Flanagan speaks to the others on the escalator. FaTHER IRVING OFLANAGAN I think we should all sing to raise our spirits. PHYLLIS GROSS What a lovely idea. What song, Father? FATHER IRVING OFLANAGAN Havah Nagilah! The VICTIMS and crowd all sing and dance. FaTHER IRVING OFLANAGAN (singing) Havah nagilah, Havah nagilah Havah nagilah v'nismchah Havah nagilah, Havah nagilah Havah nagilah v'nismchah Havah n ran' nah Havah nran' nah Havah n'ran' nah v'nismcha Havah n ran' nah Havah nran' nah Havah n'ran' nah v'nismcha int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO Behind Steve Scott the GRAPHIC reads: Mall 21 Death Watch. The CRAWL continues, "Microsoft releases new bug-free Windows; Hell freezes over," "FedEx, UPS to charge less for shipping items than the items cost," etc. SteVE SCOTT I understand we have breaking news from the Santana Coliseum. Whats the latest. Bob? Ext. SANTANA HIGH SCHOOL COLISEUM The stadium is empty. 000200000571000197F156B,Bob SCORE (to camera) Steve, the most tragical event of the night has occurred. After the fallen cheerleaders were removed by ambulances, the Sentinels had no one to cheer them on. Disheartened, they left the field at halftime and never returned. Bob is joined by INDIRA WHOSARINOW, a tiny East Indian woman in a sari in the colors of the Confederate army. BoB SCORE Im here with the coach of the Mahatma Gandhi High Rebels, Indira Whosarinow. (to Indira) Coach, whats your take on this forfeiture? SUPER: Indira Whosarinow, Gandhi High Coach Indira whosarinow (in an East Indian accent) The Sentinels do not have their cheers, so they give up. We win. It is better to have won peacefully than by violence. BOB SCORE (to camera) Though none of the cheerleaders were killed in the pyramid scheme, there were countless gory bruises and even some unsightly scrapes. The Civil War game is over and the pacifists won. Back to you. Int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO ANDY GLOOMY, a cantankerous old man with grey hair and mega-bushy eyebrows that cover his forehead, joins Amy Daiwoo. The CRAWL continues: "Protestors decry tests on rats and flies, suggest testing on trailer trash," "Elvis found alive, says death was 'just a silly stunt,'" etc. Amy DAIWOO The Mall 21 will end their lives during the most joyous of seasons, Christmas. Here with his take on the joys of the holiday is Andy Gloomy. 00020000082F00019D5C829,There is a TICKING CLOCK behind Andy. SUPER: Andy Gloomy, Crabby Guy Andy GLOOMY Dont you hate it when you go to the mall at Christmas time? Its really crowded and you never have enough money to buy expensive presents for everyone. Or if you dont have much money, you cant find enough cheap garbage that doesnt look too cheap. And if you buy stuff, you have to carry lots of bags with string handles that cut into your hands. And never take children with you. They only want things you cant afford like hundred dollar tennis shoes and violent video games and rap CDs. And dont you hate it when the escalator stalls and youre trapped with a bunch of losers while idiot news crews stick microphones in your face and ask how you feel? Hes handed a note, which he opens and reads. The clock STOPS TICKING and an ALARM GOES OFF. Andy GLOOMY Dont you just hate it when youve been fired? This is Andy Gloomy. Steve SCOTT Back to our team coverage of the Mall 21 Death Watch. Int. Santa California Galleria mall On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are ALFRED HITCHCOCK, waving at the camera, GOD and a HOST OF ANGELS and SONNY AND CHER in 60s costumes. JeNNIFER WHITMER Ill bet the game is over. Everyone will treat me like a persona au gratin. ChRISTY HUNTINGTON My Daddy will get us out of here. I just know it. Ruth BRANNIGAN Why dont you girls try to be optimistic and stop your whining? Its getting annoying. CHRISTY HUNTINGTON When we whine, we get what we want. Phyllis gross Cheerleading is supposed to bring hope, joy and courage to everyone. Now here we are, trapped on this escalator and are you cheering everyone on? No, youre all wrapped up in yourselves. RUTH BRANNIGAN Youre a disgrace to cheerleaders. ChRISTY HUNTINGTON Well, youre old. RUTH BRANNIGAN Duh. But we used to be cheerleaders. JeNNIFER WHITMER Were not! Look at you! PHYLLIS GROSS We were once voluptuous young girls like you. JENNIFER WHITMER Ewwww. You couldnt have been cheerleaders! Mascots, maybe. Christy and Jennifer laugh, but Ruth and Phyllis grab the girls pom-poms and start to cheer. 0002000005D80001A5855D2,Phyllis gross and ruth brannigan Give me an E, give me an S, give me a C-A-L, give me an A, give me a T, give me an O and R. Whats that spell? JENNIFER WHITMER I dont know. E, C --- PHYLLIS GROSS AND RUTH BRANNIGAN Escalator! Say it again! Escalator! Yeah! ChRISTY HUNTINGTON Wow. You were cheerleaders. JeNNIFER WHITMER Ohmigod! Does this mean were going to get all wrinkly and flabby? PhYLLIS GROSS You bet your ass, kiddo. ChRISTY HUNTINGTON Dad-dy! int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The CRAWL continues: "Rush Limbaugh takes an aspirin. Charges filed," "Canada sick of US, moves to Europe," etc. Steve SCOTT Minutes ago, our meteorologist, Jimmy Cloud, predicted treacherous drizzle may fall around the mall this evening. For an update on his prediction, heres Jimmy. JimMY CLOUD Thanks, Steve. Well, as I guessed, its drizzling and this will make life a lot more difficult for Southern California drivers. As you know, we cant drive on anything moist. Wed have team storm coverage, but our team is tied up at the mall, so youre on your own tonight. Take it easy out there. STEVE SCOTT Thank you, Jimmy. And now a word from Tom Brokejaw. network National news PROMO TOM BROKEJAW sits in front of a map of the world. Tom brokejaw Tomorrow on the RGB-TV National Nightly Worldwide News, a scathing indictment of broadcast news. See how the media sensationalizes insignificant events, ignores really important stories and slants its coverage because it thinks youll buy anything they say. 0002000005C20001AB575BC,(looking off-set) Hey, who wrote this? (handed new copy) Ha. This is better. (a beat) Tomorrow on RGB-TV National Nightly Worldwide News, why youre not getting enough carbohydrates and fats in your diet. Join us, wont you? Program promo: barnaby hind, forensic proctologist A white-haired doctor in a white coat, BARNABY HIND, has his back to the camera. He holds up his right hand and puts on a rubber glove, which he snaps decisively. Then he turns around. B. Hind is embroidered on his pocket. AnnouNCER On the next Barnaby Hind, Forensic Proctologist --- Close on: Barnabys head and shoulders. He has a quizzical look on his face. Barnaby hind No polyps. No hemorrhoids. Definitely a homicide. PULL BACK To reveal DETECTIVE BLACK standing by an autopsy table on which a DEAD WOMAN is lying. Detective black How did you reach that conclusion, Doctor? BARNABY HIND The bullet hole in her forehead. The dead woman has a circular hole in her forehead. Her eyes are open and crossed. DeTECTIVE BLACK Oh, that. AnnouNCER Barnaby Hind, Forensic Proctologist. He gets the killer in the end. Tuesday nights at ten on RGB-TV. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Amy Daiwoo reads: Celebrity Response. The CRAWL continues, "Beethoven continues decomposing," "Carrot Top dramatic role nominated for Oscar," etc. Amy DAIWOO Celebrities around the country are sending their good wishes to the Mall 21 and to Jackie Toyota, the obese skinny lady with broken water. 0002000009C50001B1139BF,CHARLESTON HUSTON, JESSICA SIMPLETON and NICK LATCHKEY, RYAN SEEBREAST, JEFF PROBES and OZZIE and SHARON OZBURNED appear in a series of clips. SUPER: Charleston Huston, Moses and NRA Supporter Charleston huston This is why we need guns. We could have come in there and shot the people responsible. But noooo. Ban assault rifles and were helpless. Amen. SUPER: Jessica Simpleton and Nick Latchkey, Celebrities Jessica simpleton I dont know if this will help, but on TV once, I saw them push open that little roof in the top and climb out and then pry open the doors. Nick latchKEY Thats an elevator. Theyre on an escalator. Theres no ceiling. JESSICA SIMPLETON Oh, then they could get rained on. I hope you brought your umbrellas! SUPER: Sharon and Ozzie Ozburned Sharon ozburned Our hearts go out to all of you unfortunate people. Ozzie ozburned (slurred) Youre bleeping right! SUPER: Ryan Seebreast, American Idle Announcer Ryan seebreast Good luck to you all. Keep your eyes open and go for that escape route once its open. Seabreast out. SUPER: Jeff Probes, Survivor Tiki Torch Snuffer Jeff probes Mall 21, the world has spoken. He snuffs out a flaming tiki torch with a conch shell on a stick. Int. Santa California Galleria mall On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are a COLLEGE ROWING TEAM with oars, an ARCHAEOLOGIST with a large bone, MAGICIANS with attractive ASSISTANTS, the BEATLES and FISHERMEN with poles. TEN CENTS I thought about what you said. Ive decided to open a youth computer center in my old neighborhood to give the kids something they can use to succeed. BraDLEY SALISBERRY Thats a great idea. TEN CENTS Im going to call it the Dollar Center, because I feel ninety-cents better. BRADLEY SALISBERRY Why dont you name it after yourself? Whats your real name? TEN CENTS Michael Jackson. BRADLEY SALISBERRY The Dollar Center. Good name. A middle-aged woman in a designer suit, GLORIOUS ALLGREEN, strides into the mall. CaMERON JAMES You look like someone important. Glorious allgreen I certainly am. Im self-promoting attorney Glorious Allgreen, of course. CAMERON JAMES I thought I recognized you. GLORIOUS ALLGREEN Everyone does. Im everywhere there's a possible high profile case. (a beat) Im here to represent all 21 victims in a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against Santa California Galleria Mall. Their survivors will need money to cover burial costs and continue their pitiful lives once this disaster comes to its inevitable conclusion. Ipso facto. 0002000006CE0001BAD26C8,CAMERON JAMES We have twenty-two victims now. Martin LeMaster plunged to the bottom of the down escalator. GLORIOUS ALLGREEN Well, thats a lawsuit. Those stairs were moving and tripped him on purpose. Its a deathtrap. (a beat) Excuse me. She pulls out a cell phone. GlORIOUS ALLGREEN Higgins, bring the car around. Well be going to Santana General Hospital next. She walks over to Victor Cousineau and hands him a stack of her business cards, which he dutifully passes up the escalator. On the cards is written: Gloria Allgreen, No Defendant Too Guilty if the Moneys Right. CaMERON JAMES (to camera) Laws are made to protect us from ourselves and Ms. Allgreen will help these victims fight for their right to be paid billions of dollars for their stupidity in getting stuck on this escalator. (a beat) Of course, Ms. Allgreen earns a high percentage of their settlement. Ah, America! VicTOR COUSINEAU I love America! A man in the crowd, ERVIN SPINDLE, yells at Glorious Allgreen. Ervin spindle Hey, its the ambulance chaser! GloRIOUS ALLGREEN There arent any ambuli here. EviLYN CRINKLE Yet. BRIDGET RYAN, wearing a t-shirt reading Death-Wish Foundation - Dying Dreams Do Come True enters the mall. CamERON JAMES (to camera) Its a touching moment here at the mall as a representative of the Death-Wish Foundation arrives to grant final wishes to the dying children and teenagers on the escalator. (to Bridget) Excuse me. I couldnt help noticing youre with the Death-Wish Foundation. Bridget ryan Why, yes. I am. (extending her hand) Im Bridget Ryan, executive director of the Santana chapter. CAMERON JAMES (ignoring her hand) Youre here to grant wishes to the dying children and teenagers on the escalator, arent you? 0002000007A10001C19A79B,BRIDGET RYAN What? CAMERON JAMES There are 21 people trapped on this stalled escalator including two children and two teenage girls. Isnt that why youre here? BRIDGET RYAN No. Im picking up a video game for my nephew, Ralph. CAMERON JAMES Now that youre here, of course, youll be granting wishes. Can they wish for anything? What if one of them wants a pony? Can you make one appear right here in the mall? BRIDGET RYAN I have a wish. CAMERON JAMES Whats that? BRIDGET RYAN That youd go away and leave me alone. Bridget walks off, casting glances back over her shoulder at Cameron. CAMERON JAMES Obviously, Ms. Ryan needs to get her magic wand ready to make the wishes of these youngsters a reality. Back to you. Ivana Beloved Bayous beard is now quite obvious. DonATELLO ESPERANTO I have considered what you said, that I should love myself and not concern myself with how others think. IvaNA BELOVED BAYOU Good. DONATELLO ESPERANTO I will attempt this. Would you help me, beautiful woman? IvanA BELOVED BAYOU I dont know if I can. Sometimes, its hard keeping my own spirits high. DonATELLO ESPERANTO But you are such an exciting woman. IVANA BELOVED BAYOU Look, Donnie, I perform at a dive, working my tail off for bupkis. Ive always thought I was talented but, lets face it, theres not a lot of opportunities for women like me out there. DONATELLO ESPERANTO Bella, you will help me and I will help you. Come with me to Italy. I will show you all the good things life has to offer, introduce you to the best people. IVANA BELOVED BAYOU (considers the offer) Italy? Thats what the psychic said. Well, Ive always wanted to live in the lap of luxury. All right. Ill help you. DoNATELLO ESPERANTO But if we die, the offers off. IVANA BELOVED BAYOU Of course. Donatello kisses her on both cheeks. Ivana feigns embarrassment. IvANA BELOVED BAYOU Honestly, Donatello, you must learn to control yourself! Jackie Toyota begins labor. 0002000008500001C93584A,JacKIE TOYOTA This is it and my birthing partner isnt here! JaMES VAN EDWARD Maybe I could help. RuTH BRANNIGAN Someone get some hot water and some white sheets to tear into strips! IvanA BELOVED BAYOU Why? RUTH BRANNIGAN They always do that on television. EllEN WILSON Ive had two children and we didnt boil or tear up anything. WalDEN ROHRER I think thats an old wives tale. Ruth BRANNIGAN Im not that old and Im a widow, not a wife! WALDEN ROHRER Sorry. PhyllIS GROSS You know, Ruthie, I remember seeing that sheet thing, too. I always thought it was a waste of perfectly good linens. Ivana BELOVED BAYOU White? I couldnt sleep in white sheets. The glare would keep me awake all night. DonATELLO ESPERANTO Precisely. And I prefer Egyptian cotton. The high thread count makes them luxurious. IvaNA BELOVED BAYOU Definitely not satin sheets. You hug your pillow and it squirts away and flies off the bed as if it had wings. JackIE TOYOTA Excuse me. I hate to interrupt this fascinating conversation, but Im going to have a baby here. James moves slowly, cautiously past Walden, Ermine and Peter to get to Jackie. He sits on the step above her and gestures her to sit down. She awkwardly complies. JAMES VAN EDWARD We need to breathe. JACKIE TOYOTA Duh. I havent stopped breathing. IvanA BELOVED BAYOU He means going hee, hee, hoo. Amazed Breathing. BradLEY SALISBERRY Its Lamaze Breathing. (he demonstrates) Hee, hee, hoo. Hee, hee, hoo. Jackie begins the Lamaze breathing. Everyone hee, hee, hoos with her. int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Steve Scott and Amy Daiwoo reads: Breathing: The Breath of Life. The CRAWL continues: "Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo!" Steve scott And now, more response from the world. Hee, hee, hoo. Hee, hee, hoo. AmY DAIWOO Hee, hee, hoo. Ext. Tierra del fuego ESCONDIDO DEL TACO stands by a signpost on a dirt road: Tierra Del Fuego 5, End of the Earth 6. SUPER: Escondido del Taco, Tierra Del Fuego Escondido del taco Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo! EXT. germanys Black forest HERRMAN MUENSTER, wearing lederhosen and holding a mug of beer, faces the camera. 000200000DDC0001D17FDD6,SUPER: Herrman Muenster, Germany HerrMAN MUENSTER Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo! Ext. AnTARCTIC PENGUIN ROOKERY SUPER: Frigid Spivey, Antarctica FriGID SPIVEY Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo! Ext. australian CROCODILE WRESTLING SCHOOL The stump of ALASTAIR KOOKOOROOs missing arm is covered by massive band-aid. SUPER: Alastair Kookooroo, Australia AlASTAIR KOOKOOROO Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo! ext. EiFFEL TOWER SUPER: Cahier Plume de Matante, Still French Cahier plume de matante Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo! Int. hare and hound pub NiGEL PENNYLANE Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo! Drunk MAN Incoherent. Incoherent. Int. Blank family home Eddie is having sympathy pains. Adele is tearing up white sheets into long strips. Blank family Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo! Int. Santa California Galleria mall The T-shirts and picket signs read, Hee, hee, hoo! On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are MARATHON RUNNERS, a BIG BAND with their instruments, JESUS and his DISCIPLES and BRITISH JUDGES in powdered wigs. CROWD Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo! EvilYN CRINKLE Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo! The SELLYOUAIR ONE SPOKESMAN walks by. Sellyouair one spokesman Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo! The screen on the karaoke monitor reads: Hee, hee, hoo! INT. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO Barbara Lindstrom rejoins Amy Daiwoo. The GRAPHIC behind them reads: For our Anemic viewers. The CRAWL continues: Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo! Amy DAIWOO Barbara Lindstrom, our Ameslan expert, is back with us. SUPER: Barbara Lindstrom, Yackety Hands Expert Barbara signs the following. There are no subtitles. BarbARA LINDSTROM Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo! Int. Santa California Galleria mall On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are FOX HUNTERS, NEANDERTHALS, ADAM and EVE, AFRICAN NATIVES with spears, a GAY MEN'S CHORUS and a BOBSLED TEAM. Bradley Salisberry moves up to the step below Jackie Toyota and James Van Edward. BradLEY SALISBERRY (to Ellen Wilson) Send down my coat! The yellow coat is passed down the escalator. Bradley places it over Jackie. BradLEY SALISBERRY James, you keep her breathing and Ill deliver the baby. Everyone continues Hee, hee, hooing. Jackie strains and groans, then a BABY CRIES. Everyone in the mall cheers. BRADLEY SALISBERRY Its a girl! Mother and daughter doing fine. Farther down the escalator, Victor Cousineau is still griping to his wife, Genevieve Cousineau. VICTOR COUSINEAU Another hungry mouth to feed. As if we dont have too many children in the world already. And her mother isnt even married --- GeNEVIEVE COUSINEAU Victor, shut up. VICTOR COUSINEAU (stunned) What? GENEVIEVE COUSINEAU I said shut up. (she stands up) Ive had just about enough of your complaining. We never have a conversation. You just rant and rave, day in, day out. Im sick of it. VICTOR COUSINEAU I had no idea you felt that way. Im sorry. Ill try to be more positive. GENEVIEVE COUSINEAU Like thats ever going to happen. Ermine Sachet Pettiforbes Getty passes her long scarf down to Bradley, who wraps the baby in it. He hands the newborn to her mother. JackIE TOYOTA Fireman Salisberry, Mr. Van Edward, youre my heroes. And you know, I dont feel so alone any more. I can do this. I can raise my daughter on my own. BradLEY SALISBERRY (to Willie) What do you know? I delivered a baby. Im a hero for real! WillIE ESCARGOT We knew you had it in you, Bradley. BRADLEY SALISBERRY What? She had it in her. Near the memorial, several YOUNG GIRLS are seen wearing T-shirts reading: Brad, Will You Have My Baby? and Brad is My Hero. 000200000AF70001DF55AF1,Int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO ROLAND CANTINA joins Steve Scott and Amy Daiwoo. The GRAPHIC READS: Birth at DeathWatch The CRAWL continues, "It's a girl for Mall 21 mother, Jackie Toyota," "Child completes grades 7, 8 and 9 in L.A. traffic jam," etc. Amy DAIWOO A new life has begun, but life goes on anyway. Roland Cantina has business news. SUPER: Roland Cantina, Business Stuff ROLAND CANTINA In commodities today, feathers were down and balloon prices were inflated. Paper was stationery. Otis Elevators was up 3, down 4, up 6, down 2. The market closed up one point, possibly due to the birth of the Mall Baby. SteVE SCOTT Thanks, Roland. (picks up a slip of paper) This just in, the Nielsen ratings are in for this evening and RGB-TVs coverage of the Mall 21 DeathWatch put us in solid third place after the 7300th repeat of the I Love Lucy grape-stomping episode and the Pasadena Hopscotch League Semi-finals. Way to go, RGB! amy DAIWOO I think its time we paused a moment to reflect on everything thats happened here tonight. Now back to the Mall as 22 people, including a newborn child, cling precariously to life on the escalator of death. Int. Santa California Galleria mall On the "down" escalator in the b.g. are HENRY VIII with his SIX WIVES, SLAVES with bags of cotton, CAROL CHANNING, LIZA MINNELLI in a bridal gown, MOSES with tablets and a SOCCER TEAM. Ermine gently touches Peters cheek. ErmINE SACHET PETTIFORBES GETTY I should have left you more in my will, Peter. Or at least something. PeTER SUFFERFLESH Money isnt important to me, Madam. You pay me an adequate salary and beat me regularly. What more could a man want? ERMINE SACHET PETTIFORBES GETTY Things will be different now. And you may call me Ermine. PETER SUFFERFLESH Yes, Madame. Int. SANTA CALIFORNIA GALLERIA MALL As Michelangelo Jones races below him in horror, Henry Harris, in a harness attached to a huge helium-filled balloon, floats up, over and beyond the escalator. The victims watch and sigh. CamERON JAMES Plan E has failed and brave Senator Henry Harris floats away with the last hopes of rescue. Leonardo Di Crappio walks to the bottom of the escalator, holding his megaphone. LeoNARDO DI CRAPPIO (through megaphone) Panic. You may now all panic. Everyone remains calm. ELLIOT SPENCER, a boy about ten years old, enters the mall and marches up to Oliver Bishop Huntington IV. Elliot tugs at Olivers coat jacket. Elliot spencer Mister! Hey, mister! OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV What do you want? Im busy here. Go find your mother. ElliOT SPENCER You offered a one hundred thousand dollar reward, right? OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV Yes. ELLIOT SPENCER Id like a cashiers check please. OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV This isnt a gift, young man. Its a reward for rescuing my daughter. ElliOT SPENCER 000200000DD20001EA46DCC,I know how to save her. They just walk off the escalator. The mall goes silent. OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV What? ELLIOT SPENCER An escalator is moving stairs. When it doesnt move, its just stairs. They can just walk off. OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV (to Christy) Just walk off, Princess. ChrISTY HUNTINGTON But, Daddy --- OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV Pretend youre on stairs. Just walk off. Ruth BRANNIGAN Everyone hold on! DRAMATIC MUSIC plays as Christy gingerly moves to the next step. She breathes a sigh of relief, then continues past Ellen and the children. As Christy steps off the escalator, everyone cheers. CHRISTY HUNTINGTON (extending her hand) Come on, Mrs. Wilson. You can do it, too! Ellen hands Sarah to Christy, then takes Tommys hand and walks off. Ellen pulls the stroller off and Christy places the baby in it. Ellen hugs Christy, then sees her husband, Trevor rushing to greet them. Trevor is heavily bandaged. Christy gestures for Jennifer to walk off. They take the down escalator to the lower level where Christy runs to her fathers open arms. ElliOT SPENCER My cashiers check, please? OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV Of course, my boy. What is your name? ELLIOT SPENCER Elliot Spencer. Two Ls and one T. The cheerleaders, Oliver and Elliot walk toward the exit. OLIVER BISHOP HUNTINGTON IV Ill write you a personal check now and well get the cashiers check first thing in the morning when the bank opens. ELLIOT SPENCER You got any ID on you? int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO Amy Daiwoo and Steve Scott have a look of shockrise on their faces. The CRAWL CONTINUES, What happened?, Anchors suffer shockrise, etc. Int. Santa California Galleria mall Ruth and Phyllis walk off the escalator arm in arm. Father Irving O'Flanagan taps his yarmulke as he debarks. SAMANTHA SCARBOROUGH A precarious child has rescued 22 victims at the Santa California Galleria Mall. Hell be able to pay his way through college now, or buy a whole lot of video games. James and Walden are smiling and chatting as they escape the death-trap. Ermine takes Peters arm and they walk off, smiling. Jackie and her newborn are flanked by Maurice, Willie, Ten Cents and Bradley. On the lower level, the massive memorial, crowd and karaoke equipment have disappeared. Ext. Blank family home Eddie is looking at the TV Guide. Eddie Blank I wonder what else is on? int. RGB-TV NEWS STUDIO The GRAPHIC behind Amy and Steve reads: Car chases. The CRAWL continues, Elliot Spencer, 10, rescues Mall 22, Senate votes to ban escalators; safety concerns, silly movies sited as reasons, etc. AMY DAIWOO This just in. There are police pursuits on the 5, 405, 134, 2, 110, 210 and 10. CalTrans has closed the 710 and 101 for construction until 5 am, so take alternate routes. We go now to Warren Wingfield, our Eye in the Sky, for more on the pursuits. Warren? Int. Santa California Galleria mall Donatello and Ivana walk off the escalator arm in arm. Henry Harris, Michelangelo Jones and Leonardo Di Crappio are on the lower level watching the exodus. Victor and Genevieve are the last to get off the escalator. Suddenly, there is a GRINDING NOISE, then the escalator jerks and starts moving again. Shoppers get on and are transported without problem to the upper level. Henry Harris takes out his radio. HenRY HARRIS Drucilla, Im going on break. MiCHELANGELO JONES Well, at least no one died. Behind a Christmas display a few feet away, old Evilyn Crinkle pulls a gun out of her handbag and grins. EvILYN CRINKLE Yet. FADE 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Important!# Information?" Suggestion*?Courier Final Draft (MORE)(cont'd) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED:$naCTR^ Man 1HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Speech\Voices\Tokens\MSMikeMan 2HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Speech\Voices\Tokens\MSMikeWoman 1HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Speech\Voices\Tokens\MSMaryWoman 2HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Speech\Voices\Tokens\MSMaryBoy 1HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Speech\Voices\Tokens\MSMaryBoy 2HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Speech\Voices\Tokens\MSMaryGirl 1HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Speech\Voices\Tokens\MSMaryGirl 2HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Speech\Voices\Tokens\MSMaryOld ManHKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Speech\Voices\Tokens\MSMary Old WomanHKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Speech\Voices\Tokens\MSMary GENERAL SCENE HEADING ACTION CHARACTER PARENTHETICALDIALOGUE TRANSITION SHOTNarratorWoman 2k1Arial 00pW?Courier Final Draft 6 Cast List.  - xFFFF000000060002000177AA0000000000660000000020001101-777C6F000480048-2582C820075-1014A07602C82C4FFFF01069000010000003C000000010D484058A82C827CBD038E0002BCA82C814900002000000D900000000D4, Escalator! by Tricia Ariane Morgan REGISTERED WGAw No. 1001884 Tricia Ariane Morgan 1830 N. Lincoln Street Burbank, California 91506 818.563.2346 Tricia@TriciaMorgan.com0004000000320000000A012022212B23115925D1712771D610005000000140000000401132431D6000060000009B0000000310C30FFFF0C00000 10 10930FFFF0C00000 70 10930FFFF0C00000 40-1000070000005400000003010180480 2018010480 101800008000001690000000240,System40,Courier104014E440007014000100000011640,Courier Final Draft40,Courier104070114E4070101000000116000900000005000000020000A0000001B0000000276031F2C476031F2C4000B00000005000000020000C0000001900000001694E28110C33541000F000000590000000050E010 104,77A4,4,77A4,4,um4,[z4,[].00130000007E00000000DA91F8CE1C1D1E1F7F1B044,-..'"FFFF0FFFF001280000000A00000001D6001290000000A00000001D60FFFE000000060002000177AAD f HFFFF000000060002000177AA00000000004F0000000020001101-7F7C6F000480048-20F0-10 F264FFFF0102000010000003200000001038405AF20A20388000203F20A0000200000007000000003,[].00040000000C00000003023530005000000090000000201500006000000EE0000000430C30FFFF0C00000 10 10930FFFF0C00000 20 10C201020040FFFF0C00000 1043E3A001218AD08010930FFFF0C00000 10438B900 00070000003800000002010180205A0 101800008000001690000000240,System40,Courier104014E440007014000100000011640,Courier Final Draft40,Courier104070114E4070101000000116000900000005000000020000A00000013000000020F2640F264000B00000005000000020000C0000000A0000000101000F0000005500000000400 10 104,77A4,4,t4,014,F204,~4,:00130000007E00000000DA91F8CE1C1D1E1F7F1B044,-..'"FFFF0FFFF0012800000009000000015001290000000900000001500014000000AC0000000018AD085C1AE2042118AD0C02C,E,42,>Page #1\!j?Q1\!FFFE000000060002000177AADhFFFF000000060002000177AA00000000004B0000000020001101-7F7C6F000480048-20C0-10 C264FFFF01000010000003100000001018405AC20A038E000203C20A0000200000005000000001, 0004000000090000000201300005000000090000000201300006000000640000000210C30FFFF0C00000 10 10930FFFF0C00000 30 00070000003800000002010180205A0 101800008000001690000000240,System40,Courier104014E440007014000100000011640,Courier Final Draft40,Courier104070114E4070101000000116000900000005000000020000A00000013000000020C2640C264000B00000005000000020000C0000000A0000000101000F0000005500000000400 10 104,77A4,~4,04,14,04,04,100130000007E00000000DA91F8CE1C1D1E1F7F1B044,-..'"FFFF0FFFF001280000000900000001300129000000090000000130FFFE000000060002000177AADQ6$$T